Something Wonderful

I cannot begin to express the level of emotion that has been experienced in the last year. A year and a half ago we decided to follow a course more forcefully towards growing our family. We put the word out that we were ready to begin the adoption process and that we were hoping for private adoption, not through an agency. We also began the process of becoming licensed foster parents. We went through all the classes and began the background check. The classes completely changed my view on parenting and helped me refocus the relationship I wanted to have with my son.

Because we had moved out of the state for one year fairly recently, they wanted to do additional work on the background check. At this point I had a feeling we needed to take a pause. This was very confusing as we had invested a great deal of time going to these classes but the feeling to wait remained strong.

In the Spring of 2014 I made several phone calls in an effort to make a decision about doing IVF. Was this right for us? What could go wrong? How would I feel if it failed? If we had no clue what was wrong with me, then how could we have hope that IVF would work? So many unknowns. With my husband traveling it was looking a bit hopeless at being able to schedule everything to work out. I tried to schedule things anyway and it didn’t go well. Everything kept going wrong. The medicine was going to cost more than I thought. We needed quite a sum of out of pocket expense just to start the process. My husband was struggling to schedule time to work from home. If things didn’t work out that month, we were going to have to wait until the Fall and that seemed awfully far away.

One day I sat in complete frustration thinking everything was stacked against us being able to have another child. Everything felt futile. We did not have the funds and my husband was never home – how on Earth could it ever work. Then I had a clear thought – stop forcing it. If we were to force the whole process now, nothing would go right and it would probably fail. Stop forcing it. So I did. I called everything off and basically gave up on the idea of ever doing IVF.

I spent the rest of Spring and all of Summer focusing on my running. I began cycling and loved seeing how that improved my running. My pace increased and I was pleaaed to see all my hard work paying off. We focused on doing things, as we always have, as a family of three.

Then one week in September, while sitting in front of the computer, it occurred to me that our medical deductible was met. The thought of IVF passed through my mind. Maybe. Maybe it could work. I called our fertility office to check on the financials. All of a sudden everything was affordable. The timing was right. We could do things that month if we wanted. Shane would even be home.

No. September didn’t feel right. October felt right. I wasn’t sure what was going on. I was afraid to get my hopes up, but it felt right. We waited for my cycle to start and then began the plan created between my doctor and I.

I felt very strongly that minimal stimulation IVF was the way to go. I didnt want to worry about what to do with so many potential extra embryos. The doctor felt I was a good candidate for minimal stim. I did a combination of clomid, mini hcg, and a few other drugs. I was hoping for at least 8 eggs.

October 20th I went in for a scan and they saw 5 eggs ready to go. We scheduled the extraction for the 22nd. Rather than letting nature decide with only 5 eggs, we opted to fertilize with ICSI.

The morning of extraction, my doctor gave me my odds. 5 follicles, 4 eggs, 3 fertilize, 2 survive, implant both and none left to freeze.

That was disheartening. 

I woke up and learned through the day that there were 5 eggs out of 5 follicles. All 5 fertilized. By day 5, 4 embryos survived. They put 2 in and froze 2.

God was most definitely in charge of this whole process. How could he not be? The timing for my husband to be home, to be financially ready, for my body to prepare the best scenario, the eggs to beat the statistics. It all worked together so flawlessly. Looking back, with the fear and uncertainty removed, it was a beautiful process. 

The morning of transfer I was shown a picture of the two embryos they felt were the best to put in. What an amazing thing! Two tiny little round balls of cells that had the potential to become little humans! 

It was time for the two week wait. If you’ve never experienced infertility, you have no idea what it is to live your life two weeks at a time and no idea how painful and stressful those two weeks are. This time was much worse than normal. I knew two embryos were growing inside me. I only had to hope they stuck. There were a few times the stress of it felt like too much. I felt like I’d have an emotional breakdown. 

At transfer, my eggies were 5 days old. I had 9 more days to composure the two week wait. I couldn’t help it though, I started testing right away. I got a negative result on each test until one morning I didn’t. At 6 days past 5 day old aka 11 days past ovulation, I received my first positive result. For the very first time in almost 9 years I saw two lines on that tiny little stick. Those lines held all the weight in the world.