Checkin’ IN!!!
“The ultimate aim of martial arts is not having to use them”
― Miyamoto Musashi, A Book of Five Rings: The Classic Guide to Strategy
I think there is great wisdom in the thought above. Often times we learn something not necessarily to use it all the time. Rather we learn many things during the journey of leaning a skill. Mindset and discipline come to mind vis-à-vis the swordsman’s quote above. So it is also with triathlon. For example, I have learned to swim with a pull buoy. Not because it is a crutch, but it provides natural drag, allows for me to concentrate on my stroke, develop proper breathing habits and most importantly helps to simulate the wetsuit flotation.
Speaking of swimming. Last week kind of got away from us with all the competing factors of life. It wasn’t so much busy as it was full. Re-looking at my Training Peaks logs were, even my workouts reflected that because I didn’t have much time to think after my work outs and record in Training Peaks or Strava my true thoughts and feelings post workout. I tend to find that as a way to be able to look back and review beyond the numbers where I am truly am at and what I am going through.
So it is with mental toughness and headspace. I think i have been able to take time and space and get my head right. I still recall on that day at the IM 70.3 in St George on my 3rd go. I nailed my swim and despite intense and serious winds, I killed the bike. Because of the wind (insert a myriad of du jour excuses) I couldn’t concentrate on handling my bike and also eating. I was gassed. I was spent. I am surprised I was able to even muster enough to get out beyond my family. But man, When Miss Jenni Archibald screamed at me after I cam around that round point – yes Jenni, I am still scarred, but man, I was in a personal headspace that was dark. It was truly in a lot of ways, like when I swim. It’s like when I try to concentrate on two things only, and that is breathing and stroke. Well I didn’t have anything left in the tank mentally to go into. I think that was the first time in a long time where I was just lost, I didn’t have a motivation or a coping skill to lean into. That’s when Buddha, and Sarah came in and shared a bit of light with me. I know neither of them truly know that those moments of shared and external enthusiasm and hope re-kindled my broken flame, in their moments of outreach. IT’s strange, because mere minutes – like 30 – coming into t2, I was like I SMASHED that. But hot dang, I didn’t know what a deficit I was in. See thoughts and overall feelings in this post here.
my head right. I still recall on that day at the IM 70.3 in St George on my 3rd go. I nailed my swim and despite intense and serious winds, I killed the bike. Because of the wind (insert a myriad of du jour excuses) I couldn’t concentrate on handling my bike and also eating. I was gassed. I was spent. I am surprised I was able to even muster enough to get out beyond my family. But man, When Miss Jenni Archibald screamed at me after I cam around that round point – yes Jenni, I am still scarred, but man, I was in a personal headspace that was dark. It was truly in a lot of ways, like when I swim. It’s like when I try to concentrate on two things only, and that is breathing and stroke. Well I didn’t have anything left in the tank mentally to go into. I think that was the first time in a long time where I was just lost, I didn’t have a motivation or a coping skill to lean into. That’s when Buddha, and Sarah came in and shared a bit of light with me. I know neither of them truly know that those moments of shared and external enthusiasm and hope re-kindled my broken flame, in their moments of outreach. IT’s strange, because mere minutes – like 30 – coming into t2, I was like I SMASHED that. But hot dang, I didn’t know what a deficit I was in. See thoughts and overall feelings in this post here.
I recall when my friend Chris called out to me, I had nothing, but I was like, I have done hard things, I have done this journey, I have finished this before, I have done all this and my family would not be glad if I walked off or stopped. It was in those moments of ‘controlling what I could” that I think i was the most shaken. Could I truly control what i could in that moment. Of course I could, but I was feeble and weak and not prepared for the deep dark well of EMPTY. I don’t think I have ever been there. No, Not in this way. It was new, it was unique, and it was not REFRESHING. I think I was walking into the flight mode of myself and opening to fear when Chris called out and then later when Sara also called out. Looking back, I am grateful that she reached out to me the day prior in a quick conversation and – hey I know you from PTG. Love when serendipity aligns and then on the following day she was a welcomed voice of hope.
Anyway, I think it is truly this experience that awakened me to understand two elements of triathlon I ignored to this point. Nutrition and headspace aka mental toughness/agility. Sure I was good and aware. Sure I was moderately physically fit, but I ignored crucial elements. So, this last year has been a mind growing and headspace expansion space. Although I gained approx 30 lbs – I gained a lot of growth in my personal headspace. I can’t say here is the one thing or the one space that I went to and here’ the tiny little blue pill that will save another. No, it was rigorous. It was introspective and to be frank it still is. I am no where near great at this. What I am good at I will continue to refine. Where my deficits are I will try to improve and make iterative gains. Where I make mistakes, i hope that I will have the grace to allow myself to recover and hopefully improve to something even stronger.
What I don’t know is when and if I will re-visit that dark space again on course. Gratefully, in life vectors I haven’t really been in that space, too often. When Liz and I had decided to live apart during our Yale and Connecticut experience (of note this was not a marital separation, rather job circumstances and options necessitated that we live apart during the housing problems of 2008/9) it was definitely an eye-opening experience. That was a fun adventure. In the end, we were able to make it through, but man, the going was TOUGH. Deep, deep waters for sure. Arguably another one is secondary infertility, but Liz and I dealt with that very differently one from another and mine wasn’t so much a dark space, more ignored and isolating.
The Explosive Child (Audiobook link – Click Here)
The Obstacle is The Way (Audiobook link – Click here)
Anyway, I was able to finally circle back and put some time here. There is a lot of noise in the world today. With the ever present political theater and its associated fodder. Everyone is a professional critic and insider, however I am trying to rise above that noise. I have been trying in the social media spheres to not share opinion rather share personal things, insights and memories or photos. I have been reading Ryan Holliday and also the “Explosive Child”. Tring to focus on family first and how I can improve myself in the efforts of being better for my family.
While I was swimming yesterday, I decided to shorten things up and slow down.
As you may see, I peaked at 1:27 per 100 – that was sans p/b and that was a 100 or 50 yd set. My average is 1:46 per 100. I think I am finding my feel this go and I am starting to get into a flow. now I just need to keep this consistent and hope that it pays off on the river swim in the Sacramento River on Oct 24.
I have been on my bike on the trainer and I think I need a new bottom bracket and also I think I need to adjust my bike seat down. I found a youtube source for some bike fitting at home techniques that I need to review:
Anyway, I thought I would share the resource and maybe help this gentleman in Australia out. I will continue to seek things out and I will need to adjust things as I start dropping the weight. Anyway, I will get a few more trainer rides in this week and sprinkle in some runs. It’s time to develop the upcoming patterns and start pushing 6 hour, then 8 hour and beyond training cycles. It’s going to be interesting that is for sure.
More Journaling to come.
