Anyone can talk about himself or herself. Even a child knows how to gossip and chatter. Most people are decent at hype and sales. So what is scarce and rare? Silence. The ability to deliberately keep yourself out of the conversation and subsist without its validation. Silence is the respite of the confident and strong.’ ~~ Ryan Holiday (Ego is the Enemy)
My weekend was unplanned and I couldn’t control it, so I leaned into the obstacle and made it the best I could. So, I was trying to sit down and catch up during my Professional Development time and write on Monday. Nope. The unanticipated work project bled ove into Monday. I am starting to wonder if my receipt a company “high impact award”, is a cloud of cover for, we need to lean into you more. Nope. Boundaries.
So, that carried over into my time set aside for me to write and improve myself and my work efforts. I find that often, in the chaos we get lost, untethered, and ultimately unraveled. Emotion creeps in and now ego is their to pounce. The all about me mentality is a difficult monster to manage, but with practice its become more noticeable to me. So, when that dirty little monster wells up I am ready to acknowledge it for what it is and not have a conversation with it and let it go. It helps me avoid thoughts that may be miscalculated or brisk applications of perception that are often absent of patience or wisdom’s benefits. Oft times I find that I need to slow down, manage what I can control, and in those moments I am able to apply what is needed to be carefully meticulous in my judgment and decision making processes. For me, I am nowhere near perfect in this execution, but I am finding as I apply more intention and awareness to the present situation, I am typically apt enough to be mindful of history and aware of the future.
It is truly an exercise in patience coming back to activity and triathlon related workouts. At each step, something tends to pop up and push the timing to a new timing need. However, on Friday, we decided to jump and take the kidlets to the SLC Aquarium. The girls loved it. Dennis overall had fun, even though he’s growing and getting to that fun – I am a teenager and it is all just life! Aurgh, stage. Lucas and Astrid were interesting because they have grown so much. Lucas was enamored with many of the animals although I am not sure what his little brain was processing. Astrid just loved it. She kept asking again and again. So, later when we got to our friends place in Daybreak, I jumped on the chance to Run. It was nice I was able to take Juniper and just take in the cool crisp air, stop and let her play at the playground and then get home. No pressing for a pace or any other expectation. Just me and my little girl. She didn’t want a sweater. So when the breeze alerted her to how cold she was I gave her mine and bundled her up, and away we went. The fun part was that they all thought we went so far. But Juniper loved it. She asked to to stop at a playground and we did, and then it was back to every bridge we could go over! She liked it. Plus she loved that we got to go to the aquarium earlier and now got some Dad time too.
Some thoughts while riding today on my indoor https://www.wahoofitness.com/devices/bike-trainers/kickr-core-indoor-smart-trainerWachoo Kickr core trainer. We woke up to 80 mph wind gusts and approx 2 inches of blown snow which continued well past 1:30 PM MST.
I’ve been on a journey listening and reading a modern author about stoicism. Ryan Holliday. It intersects very aptly with my core moral structure, my faith-based choices and my journey to be a decent human being. It has been a raw journey – many things I feel I am doing ok at and many thoughts for actionable consideration. The phrase “narcisistic injury”. In my circles of influence and observation, I see this across the many diverse folks I know. Many blindly wont see this while they are calling others “snowflakes” to justify their broken levels of hypocrisy to others that claim offense or injury where no ill or other intent was meant.
I remember one day I was about 9 – 11 years old watching the tv. I was watching ABC’s Wide World of Sports – I was introduced to this thing called Ironman and triathlon.
It wasn’t until years later that the seed that was planted would bear fruit. It has been a journey of 3 physical disciplines and an oft-ignored 4th discipline — that of mindset – mental strength, mental adaptability, and mental health. I have learned so much about myself since that day on the gran fondo in 2014 where I took a wrong turn and leaned into it and finished my first century (100 mile cycling ride) since I was much younger. I don’t recommend that for most folks, turn around recalibrate and get back on course. Apparently my trajectory had a different plan. Anyway, my journey is less than perfect, Liz and I often joke that we swim in deep waters’ often because of tom-foolery or being stubborn for stubborn’ s sake. Gratefully, along the way I have learned that I am in control of my responses to all stimuli that chooses to engage with me. Today, with work I was in a non-favorable encounter but I was able to do so cheerfully and with respect.
Just today, in my local and in our Cache valley community, I witnessed folks take action to support under represented persons. I witnessed an organization abstain from communication and another communicate in their behalf while I still await for the former to take action. Today I witnessed many justify their perceptions without digging in and objectively detaching themselves emotionally to understand the situation and it context.
The world is a mess, but I choose to follow a few simple things:
Agreement 1: Be Impeccable With Your Word.
Agreement 2: Don’t Take Anything Personally.
Agreement 3: Don’t Make Assumptions.
Agreement 4: Always Do Your Best.
These simple wisdoms are both easy and difficult. I find number 3 is a most difficult one but I find the more I practice the better I am.
I am learning sit back and observe. Because not everything needs a reaction. I am becoming more apt at controlling my inputs, because I can’t afford every opportunity the advantage of disruption, which at its end goal is stopping the ability to learn. I am trying to not be swayed by the temptation that exists for everyone – for talk and hype to replace action. this is an an insatiable rampage especially on social media or indirect contexts — influencers, trolls, agitators, haters, naysayers, know-it-alls. It is unfortunately often ignored and missed. I was in this trap myself I was getting ugly, I was not engaged in anything that would lead me to growth and I was wallowing in self-pity and a mire that took me a while to crawl out of. This is not depression folks, rather this is ego, pure and simple propping me up and believing a false story I was telling myself.
I am truly trying to take the wisdom from Maya Angelou, who I met and shared a long lunch with once at a conference, to “Do the best I can until I know better. Then when i know better, I do better. This is a tough one because often, internally I think I am doing the best I can. The task to identify new information that is better and be actionable and conscious of it, is a tough task.
I am in the process of accepting an internalized and studious self assessment process. Even though I may acquire knowledge, I want to better identify the potential wisdom attached. David Goggins in his book “Cant Hurt Me” has a section about an Accountability mirror. He invites us through a challenge to face the raw real truths and not only face them but define the ‘new’ ones and navigate to them holding myself accountable to it. I haven’t done this in the mirror but I do this in my prayers (what others may call meditations).
So, in this vein I share my in process thought about candles. We often light candles for those that have died or in remembrance of an event or something terrible. Maybe we are a bit delayed. What if? What if we flipped the shark here and we start to burn candles today for those in need. Maybe then, we can quit living/repeating the past and over simplifying for something to happen too late into the future. Burn the candles now for today, for those you suspect/know or suspect need. Maybe we can team up, mentor or mentee together and forego ego, and narcisisitic injury and just heal and move forward. I share the link to Ryan Holiday’s blog on self injury because that is what this notion of narcisistic injury is.
It is what Epicurious said about living in an unwalled city. It is my interpretation that this is along the lines that we are so fragile because we believe a self projected image. Because of this everything is a direct threat to our own self-aggrandized illusions. So instead of becoming defensive, let’s set flames of candles around to help us self analyze and look beyond self to insure another person – now, is doing better and that service rendered may serve as an actionable tool to overcome and cathartically cast off or self injuries and replace them with new and more productive memories and opportunities. Just a thought.
Note I took this photo in the Cathédrale of Strasbourg. The irony, elevation is 666 ft in the sq in front. No joke, was on a gps watch. Made me smile.
Sometimes à gut punch comes from an unlikely place. This was from my reading today.
“He who fears death will never do anything worthy of a living man,” Seneca once said. Alter that: He who will do anything to avoid failure will almost certainly do something worthy of a failure.”
Ryan Holiday (Ego is the Enemy), Pg. 193
I guess Elton John’s diddy about miss Marilyn Monroe is a propos, because once the candle blows out it is gone. it is no longer active. smoke remains for a few moments, then poof.
Skewed and soon to be forgotten memories replaces the active ever present adapting to the currents to stay lit – poof gone! So to that end, I choose to be present.
I choose to live like a warrior and let yesterday go. It isn’t always the first thing i think of and sometimes I have to dig deep. I am getting better at this and finding it more natural. It aligns with my thoughts about being still. It is truly an intentional and active and engaging mind and thought process.
So triathlon. I am getting in some rides FINALLY. Also I am realizing that my aero bar handles are stripped out. before I go for a fitting i need to get those replaced and on so that the fitting can have direct value for me. I know my bike isn’t perfect but it has a lot of good life in it. I don’t think some upgrades are worth it, but the cockpit will pay off immensely. Also, I still think this rig looks awesome.
This is the Quintana Roo PRFour Disc. The components are the same as what I have now, but an overall better bike with power and maybe even better wheels, but I know I am dreaming. I guess a little dream to go along with my High Impact Award monies – I can still dream a little dream right.
So more activities forthcoming, starting to feel comfortable in rides and my snip and clip is finally not bothersome, and I have my full vocal range back, just a little lingering phlegm on the vocal chords. One step at a time. A lot of headspace and mindset growth and work. Stress is stress is stress, and it will pay of at my October 24th event when those dark moments of why am I doing this come, and come they will. Giddy up!
