Family, Mindset, Journaling, cycling base

Mindset ramblings

Someone posted in LinkedIn, a quote loosely attributed to Mark Twain (MT). One of Marcus Aurelius death quotes came to my mind. As I read through the commentary and ultimately decided not to interact, it was clear to me that many wanted to use the quote from MT as a justification to live without regard to anything. It was like they didn’t know that other quotes about the absence of fear not equaling courage exist. Speaking generally, a stoic-minded seeker might likely see both quotes like this: not as a license to live with reckless abandon (absence of fear is its own vice and not always deemed as courage – different rabbit hole), rather to take the opportunity to respect death, appreciate life’s moments as they are occurring, and foster self-discipline. Then self correct and improve upon reflection and identifying opportunities for growth. Meditations by MA is a great reminder and gives insight to how the last of the Five Good Emperors navigated the journey of being a ruler but also being a mindful and gracious leader.

The above spawned a bunch of internal thoughts. I was really in the more of the – it’s not just a license to go and live life with reckless abandon thread. While I do think many justify things to fit their own perceptions, I have this internal dialogue of fighting against assumptions with the following ideals from the 4 Agreements. I often catch myself in the assumption trap. I am getting better at asking for clarification and also sharing my view point on a given thought or topic. I admit I am not always the best in the engagement process of allowing space for other to express their thoughts, feelings and perceptions. I am trying to be better at those interactions. I am sure my wife can tell you of plenty of mis-steps. However my point is, as much as I dislike others perceptions and associated interpretations, I can only control me. The shared quote often makes me think of the concepts I live in my professional life of technology. The statements are often – If this than that – in conditional based logic sets. Similar to the quote or any quote I encounter, I go through an internal dialogue – often while cycling, swimming and running about what it means to me. What do I know and understand about the context of the quote? Does it apply.? And most importantly, If I follow it, what downstream or follow up effects must I deal with? Often justifications start off innocent enough, but they often end at the point of our noses because the impacts are far larger than any internal self-gratification. That’s where maturity, experience and wisdom are friends to identifying empathy then courage. These are examples of daily or weekly rabbit holes that my mindset journeys through as I swim, bike and run. The struggle is real.

Getting my cycling base back

Sometimes in the process of training, there comes a time where life pressures become more important than my hobby of triathlon. After all, my work is the tool by which I support my family. My hobby of triathlon doesn’t pay me for anything. In fact, I commonly put out more monetarily than I will ever see. But what I do see in the mental strength, refinement, focus and mindset and life values, is one of the reasons why I love the hobby so much.

Cycling has come and gone throughout the last two years. I was able to afford a Wahoo Kickr Core just before the world went sideways with the Covid-19 pandemic. Luckily I was already shifting to riding inside for winters. I began riding with a platform called Rouvy. I enjoy the ability to put in a long ride in my office space. ANNNNNND, also be available mid ride to help with family things. If I was out on a 50 mile ride in the Cache Valley, I could be 25 miles away and not available in a situation where i can be on the trainer. The challenge of course in simulated riding is to identify and transfer efforts indoors to leverage outdoors on a race or event course. So, I jumped in.

What I have found recently with nearly 3 years of rides, is how I get my base back. I am able to review and scrutinized comparisons to my and my riding on specific routes. I am able to see where progress happens. The little gains, the little falls or disruptions. I can identify opportunities for growth. What it doesn’t do is provide me the elements of being outdoors. So, I have to be mindful in my sweat fests to not use the fan too much, or be complacent and just pedal 65 rpm’s at 17.4 MPH while my trainer is in smart ERG mode. ERG mode is dumb by the way, that’s just me. I’d rather the simulation come from data dynamics associated to a course mapping. The hardest part Rouvy has though is interpreting when a HARD STOP, on a course by a cyclist occurs. I love it when the video shows a stop, and I am slammed with a 23% grade hill while the video is as FLAT as can be. It was so abrupt once, it caused me to fall in my own basement office – one for the story books.

What is happening though ove the course of the last 3 weeks for me is awesome. Last week I rode 5 times. This upcoming week I should be able to do similar and be able to pass 100 miles. I would like to maintain about 100 miles weekly while training for IM California. What I like is the ability to see immediate feedback to keep me where I want to be at a minimum. It provides me the platform to ‘feel’ and place those feelings and correctly match them to efforts (this is where data matters). It also is a place to get lost, distracted and blind. So, I have this mental challenge to maintain and not go into flat auto-pilot. I’m not overly concerned in over doing it, which happens outdoors. Rather, I can be quite present and keep top of mind where my efforts should be going and where they are at in the moment. It’s not to say that outdoor riding is gone. Rather, it is preparing me for those moments, like in Salt to Saint, where I passed a rider on a hill after they over took me on a flat, and I blast for the next 7 miles creating about a 5 minute gap or so between us. Unfortunately I dropped my riding partner, but he said it was a treat to watch, and he encouraged me to let loose and go.

General life stuff and family updates – Journaling

Busy. Not in the we are overwhelmed, but the kiddos are just busy. They like never stop. That is the current predicament. how to intersect all things and do it without self-combusting. Some days are easier than others. Some things when they show up, you just jump up and do it. Like when a good friend calls for help, and you watch their kiddos as they manage an unanticipated challenge. My wife and I found a way to make it all work.

In 2013, Liz and Dennis came with me on a month long business trip. At the time we didn’t think our family line up would change. We were in the last parts of a 9 year 2ndary infertility challenge. In July it will be 9 years since our trip. The number 9 is a significant number in our journey. From the years that separate Liz and I in age, the age gap between Dennis and Juniper.

My hope is looking back we will continue to see more sweet memories as the challenges of life come and go. Liz and I try to be open, mindful, prepared, willing to adapt and often most important, willing to grow. Sometimes in growth it hurts. Sometimes we discard things or let things go.

What remains are many lessons learned, undisputable growth, wisdom and learning to be still and present. I think one of my most cherished lessons learned, often refined by my wife, Liz – is the understanding of not getting stuck on yesterday or lost looking to tomorrow. Being still, present and available in the moments where love, life, empathy and ultimately courage is found takes discipline, practice and patience. May this streak continue for a long time to come.

As a family, a few days ago, we took an impromptu afternoon and early evening adventure to the Spiral Jetty at the Great Salt Lake. As I mentioned in my last post – “It was a risk, and it paid off. When I asked if they had a good time, they all responded ‘YES!’. Even little Lucas exclaimed YA!” IT gave us some space as a family to just be. Sure during the drive and back it was full of tablet time. Or trying to find little Astrid a safe place to pee – finally a gas station in Corinne fit her standards. But while we were out there, Dennis took Astrid and Lucas and were just kids. The facades of masking and camouflaging for him were stripped away. It was the first time in some time where I just saw his 6 year old come out.

As you can see above, they were just in the moment and enjoying things. The little morsels of fun is what we needed after a long time. We had a trip to Germany, the winter and of course Covid-19 disruptions. Juniper and Astrid had fun too –

It was just a good time to get out. So Liz and I did our best to do just that. I shared a good pic of the Spiral Jetty in my Instagram feed – so look below if interested and link back there. Overall, even though we are busy keeping up with our own family – #teamlivingston, we are keeping our heads above water.

Dennis

Dennis is chasing his first job and about ready to finish his sophomore year. Next is adventures in obtaining a driver’s license when he feel ready. He mentioned he can buy a car with a job. We will see if he will be more like Lane Meyers in – Better Off Dead, or like Cory Haim and Feldman in License to Drive . It’s interesting as he grows up how much learning for Liz and I occur. There is much here I won’t share, but adolescence is a journey. Some days I get it right, and other days it is truly wrong. I shared in a recent post about Pathological Demand Avoidance(PDA) and a good book to read if you are interested. He’s a great kid. I hear it all the time from peers of mine and Liz and his friend’s parents. We will just keep providing a safe place for him to become him, is my sincere hope.

Juniper

One of the most recent evens included little Juniper having a follow up eye surgery. We are concerned that its outcome was little to know impact and we are concerned it may have take us back to where we started with her right eye. Liz has been coordinating most of it while I wrangle Astrid and Lucas. Liz was with little Juniper who demonstrated courage in a different way. It’s a high-value of courage too because of her joy and empathy she has developed. Even though she was nervous, she came out each time with smiles and hopes and SUNGLASSES! For how long we waited, Juniper has been such a treat to call daughter. Even when she gets stuck as a forgotten middle child and she shrieks in a fit to alert us to – Don’t forget about your little bundle of joy! DAMMIT!

Astrid

Astrid has been able to have a favorite friend and her mom and dad over a few times. it’s been fun getting to know that family and we are grateful to the interactions and friendshipping. Little Astrid is our Tasmanian Devil and similar to her big brother Dennis. She loves being Juniper’s little sister, but I fond she loves having little Lucas make her a big sister too! She is a treat when she is happy, she is little Tas when she spins out of happy tho 🙂

Lucas

Lucas is almost 2 years old. How did that happen. The end of April will be her sooner than later. Goodness. During the trip to Germany Lucas truly went from enfant to budding toddler. his little run through the house is brilliant. He loves to trip over his feet, stand up, look for us as parents, then go back to his – I got this guys run. We have a circular path in our home and he just loves chasing or leading his sisters, and even Dennis when he joins in for a moment.

Here’s a great family moment from the recent past With Astrid and Lucas.

Other topics – Stoicism, a quote that has been on my mind this week

In the podcast episode and at his site where he keeps the text/dialogue for his episodes (see here), I’ve been this person to endure. I recall it pretty well and the moments where it hit me like a brick – I have shared some thought before on that in my blog. And so it goes, I recognized that I was becoming a douche, and as I self realized, despite the good efforts of my wife and a few close friends. I put to task to change. I hope I have done ok, and even better than that. Part of that journey led me to reuniting with Stoic philosophy and the reading of Ryan holidays works. I do read into the meditations of Marcus Aurelius and peruse Seneca and Epictetus. Trying to better myself has always been part of who I am. My execution styles have varied, but re-uniting with stoic thought I hope has only been an improvement. I feel it. I see it. I just hope when I encounter others, they may feel its value add too.

Liz

Of course, little of the above in the family vector is able to occur without Liz’s efforts. Since Germany and her back surgery, her recovery has been solid. To call it anything less than a miracle would be ungrateful to a large degree. Not all days are perfect or without a bit of fatigue. however, by and large it has been worth the effort to go and complete the procedure in Germany and the efforts we had to go through to accomplish it. I said this the other day on the socials:

Well, she chose me, so I followed. It’s been the grandest of adventures. Here’s to many, many more years. Our path on our journey isn’t the most often traveled, but I try to make it a safe ride. To my crazy, beautiful mess.

~Me – Shane

I believe I make my own luck, and well, I think we have done pretty well, Liz and I , when we formed #teamlivingston back in July of 2004. When we were first married, many of the adventures we have waded through haven’t been anticipated. We have definitely chosen our own adventure given the situational we landed in. Some by our choice. Many by experiences outside of our control so we adapted, and most with hope beyond our own. I am glad she let me follow. Our tugs and pulls are unique to us, and it works for us. Cheers!