A Journey of Reasonable Self Scrutiny

Each journey begins with a simple first step

Thinking back to that striking moment when I watched my first Ironman triathlon (click here for more storied thoughts). Maybe this is where the self reflection and intrinsic self scrutiny began. I am not sure exactly, why or when or where my first steps began. Maybe –

• Because as I learned to read and the sea of whirlpools of letters that filled pages after about 6 or 7 minutes.
• Perhaps I was generally more perceptive to things around me than I ever understood.
• Or maybe, I’m a glutton for internalized self realizations and situational awareness.
• I boil it down mainly to, I just had an intrinsic affinity for growth.

Along the way, I have matured and encountered many phases from being overwhelmed, to not caring enough, to finally landing in something I liked as I heard it coined as “Reasonable Self Scrutiny”. So, I took steps many years ago, and continue to take them today. There are definite ebbs and flows of intrinsic and external motivators, but the pursuit of “reasonable self scrutiny has been a consistent driver for years.

LinkedIn discussion that prompted reflection

The phrase "another way to spell perfection is paralysis' comes to mind here. This discussion thread has provided me an opportunity to pause and reflect. Mistakes allow opportunities of empathy and subsequently courage of value to come forward. In the end its action. If an action is a mistake, measured or foolish, then feedback, corrections and ultimately recalibration is possible. If the action is not a mistake, it may then be encouraged and iterative improvement are also possible though often overlooked.

Lastly, while proxy experience is valuable, the unfortunate sometimes raw need for experiential learning shouldn't be discouraged either. Reasonable self scrutiny fosters immense growth, resiliency and discourages inaction. Certainty is the death of creativity and as I age I keep learning just how little I truly know. I am grateful for guided and unguided experiential learning opportunities.

Grateful for many of the thoughtful and tactful impressions and opinions shared here. Thank you.

I find Sir Ken Robinson's thoughts leads to the notion of Premeditatio Malorum (click here for my thoughts on this topic).  

I think the most interesting thing about perception and confidence is where it is birthed. I often wonder how folks arrive where they are. I tend to be an optimist and imagine that folks put in efforts along a similar trajectory as mine, but I am not naive either and have to re-calibrate expectations often. So, I keep a measured fuse, as it were. This image below always makes me contemplate how I project myself as I interact with others – it also reminds me what unfortunate reality looks like when it occurs (sadly too often):

An unanticipated gem : FanX quote from Matthew Lillard

“Fear does not serve you. Fear is for bears. See bear, run away, fear works. For something you love, fear does not serve you, it is something to work through and move through”

— Matthew Lillard

It is my observation that many are riddled in the fears of being incorrect. There is a misunderstanding around the role of a mistake. To be blunt, mistakes are merely learning lessons. Sure, from personal experience I would rather avoid the mistake – but I also wonder how much of that was inculcated into me from prescriptive faith-based orthodoxies that misinterpreted the reasons and journey of life to the mere lens (perspective) of the individual doing the inculcation. I tend to subscribe to an amoral approach regardless of my experiential and faith driven understandings and learnings. Facts and truths can most certainly be 2 separate and distinct realities (a faith based acquaintance couldn’t deal with that thought a few Sundays back). I use this image to describe the parsing of truth and fact:

My ‘truth’ may not align with fact and may most certainly lean more toward the perception and the story around the event (more factual) – and so it obscures and dilutes the meaning. Then we spiral into the problem of philosophy vs canon – i won’t digress too much – but many are surprised when they hear the term ‘moderation in all things’ goes back to the Aristotelian philosophy of ‘The Law of the Golden Mean’ which in reality can stem even further than Aristotle to Plato. It’s ironic how elitist vanities can shroud the intentions and the pathways to non empathetic outcomes.

What an awesome privilege it is to wake up and rarely worry about how my basic human needs will be fulfilled. I am reminded today of how fragile and beautiful life can be. A lot of heavy thoughts for those that don’t have that right nor the privilege today! And to those that have passed this week – hope their terror and pain was short.

When elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers.

Kikuyu proverb

This ancient proverb of the Kikuyu people, a tribal group in Kenya, Africa, is as true today as when the words were first spoken, perhaps thousands of years ago. Its essence is simplicity—when the large fight, it is the small who suffer most.n the bitterest fruit has sugar in it.

Moving to triathlon topics

A triathlon question I see – too often

For parents with toddlers (3 and 6 year old). How did you train for a 70.3 (edit to add 140.6 or any distance) without taking so much time away from family and not leaving your partner “holding the bag”?

— Generalized question I often see

My answer (generalized) –

My family situation is this: I am married (almost 20 years). We have a 17 yo a 8, 6 and 3 yo. I completed 2022 IM California. I also have 2 dogs, 2 cats, 5 chickens, 3 rabbits, a rat and only have one car.

Communicate

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

~~George Bernard Shaw

A strong base to consider starting from or landing at is to be on the same page as partners. Sometimes I am and sometimes I am not with my wife and family. Reconciling expectations, associated adrenaline or dopamine fueled decisions is key. For example, the decision for me to take on the 140.6 started on a car ride to 70.3 St George in 2019. The city of St. George in Utah made the announcement that the full distance was returning. My wife and I heard this as we were driving down and apparently I misunderstood her communications as I thought she was like, ‘okay’. I took that in and misunderstood that “we” are in. Well ,I signed up after the race, and I learned how I misperceived what she meant. Sometimes this happens, but I share this as an example to make sure that family units (whatever that means to the reader) get to a similar page. Hopefully you are already in the same book, not just on the same shelf of books. Many things come into the domain of needing to communicate about:

• Signing up for events
• Trip details
  • Transportation
  • Who is in/out
  • Lodging
  • Kids needs and considerations
  • Animals and other home needs
• Training plans
• Roles and responsibilities
  • Home
  • Kids
  • Animals
  • All other things unique to each family unit
• Rest, recovery, sleep

This is also where the concept of paring things down begins. Sometimes you have to focus on less, so you can focus more on what is most important – and be willing to re-assess and recalibrate often.

Focus on the right things

Some of those things unique to me and my situation are/were:

For me and my wife and family it all starts with this mantra – “Unrealistic expectations are just future resentments”. I once heard something along the line from a Bhuddist notion –

“Notice what takes your attention, acknowledge it, and then interact with it intentionally or let it go.”

— Self

There will be times when certain internal or external things, needs, or conversations want my immediate or long-term attention. It doesn’t mean I have to engage with what I determine or perceive to be noise or a distraction. The KEY is that I MUST acknowledge it. Then, classify it as either

• necessary and I strive to interact with it intentionally
• unnecessary to me, and ultimately, let it go!

I am understanding more and more that it’s in the acknowledgement that my personal agency is asserted and hopefully applied. It takes energy and effort to confront and deal with whatever may be seeking my attention. This process most often allows me to absorb what is useful. The challenge with absorption, is that my brain has a saturation limit. I think my lesson learned here is just because I acknowledge what is seeking my attention, it doesn’t require me to engage with it! Beware, sometimes not everyone understands this process. That’s also ok, because if your partner and family unit do, then it’s generally a fair and reasonable barometer to gauge the trajectory I am on.

As I mentioned above, we communicated and we had to re-calibrate — all the time! I chose to be more fluid than prescriptive and rigid. I focused on less! Paring down things to provide me the ability and space to focus more and with quality on what mattered most in the process. I personally find that 70.3 training is far more reasonable for me than a full distance ironman (140.6) at this time. To be honest, taking on a full distance Ironman event took us to our edges a few times.

I recognize and understand that each situation is a bit unique and hard but I had to come to terms with doing enough to complete the event. Also, at the event EVERYTHING changed when I had a mechanical at about mile 30 and I dealt with for the duration of the event. What I am saying is, tune everything out and determine the 3 or so things you can or want to control. For me it was work, training and family. If it wasn’t one of those 3 things – it didn’t get my attention. Then I was fluid within those domains. My level of fitness was pretty good so my training plan was 15 weeks for a full as I personally train 5 – 10 hours a week when not injured. I also have a job where I can sneak a few workouts in during work hours. Lastly, quality of workouts is a non-negotiable for me. If in 10 minutes it wasn’t going to be a purposeful workout, I shut it down and shifted focus to family.

I find the recipe will be different for every circumstance, but I wanted to share some things from my perspective to serve as memories, first for me, and perhaps others may glean some insight from them too.

Give yourself grace

Managing guilt can be difficult and it indeed means more stress. One of the difficulties in going for the longer endurance distances isn’t just the physical impact – it’s mental, it’s the stress and that matters. So I suggest these things:

1. When training at times I have to identify or cramp time with other things. If I go out an run or ride my bike over 60 minutes at a time, that’s a time and space my wife and kidlets are alone. In the last 3 years, that has taken its own toll on each of us differently but for me, I have to reconcile the guilt of me needing to be healthy (long-game) vs the immediate short term where I may be shirking my partnership with my wife and helping, aiding, supporting in other needed things around mom/dad and family needs.
2. When training the inverse to above is true. At times family needs occur, can’t always control life, and then my training plan (whatever it is I do) is compromised. Sure they are just minor data points on a long graph enriched with many activities, but I have to move, forget, neglect, adapt, improvise within the training plan and dealing with that guilt.
3. Work-life, I have come to learn even though I may understand and know a certain action plan to pursue, sometimes I have to let colleagues and peers come to similar conclusions. Sometimes that is rapid and other times it is painfully slow and I have to manage that guilt load as I sometimes know it is a simple just do this, but either it is ignored, or I patiently wait for them to come to a similar conclusion

There are other paradigms and difficulties that come and go but I think the above examples demonstrate succinctly some of my more in-our-face type challenges as a spouse, parent and triathlete (Pro, Elite, Age-Grouper, Hobbyist, have no idea what I am doing but i’m here types). Here are a few things I have said in Social Media shares that captures/reflects my headspace a bit concerning the dynamics above and current events (pandemic, race cancellations and adjustments, being a father, spouse and triathlon enthusiast):

1. I can’t go to my sanctuary, my personal safe place. At first, I disrespected the swim, now it comforts me. The lessons learned in this endurance sports journey of triathlon is humbling. Hopefully, I can get back in the water soon. (pool, swimming)
2. Man, these are strange times. I am coming back from a long needed break from activity (recovery), it’s not easy but it will be worth it. I need to pen up a plan to this Sept 19 thing….. Giddy up. I am seeking normalcy amid the disambiguation, grateful my wife and family let me do some crazy (within reason). (Race Cancellations and paternity leave).
3. This is a moment in a timeline my children will always remember. Hopefully, the memories will be sweeter than any bitterness this situation has brought up. For a headspace guy like me, being present is often raw, and in the recent past, I have encountered a lot of pro-positivity. Let’s be real for a moment. Negative things happen – feelings, situations, relationships etc. It is those things that provide an honest perspective, a wise measuring of just how gratitude works when truly real and positive things occur. Joy is not joy without knowing pain or suffering. Sure, we like to ‘project’ all is well, but oft times it is so far from that. This is what I love about this opportunity. To unplug, to simplify, to control ONLY what I can control. I love my nuclear family, and this scenario reminds me just how precious my nuclear family is to me in this poopy situation. I am grateful to know both the bitter and the sweet. For without it, I would just be numb, and that to me is not being alive. Grateful. Present, aware and full of hope. Hope that tomorrow will help me feel more alive. Yes! And I am grateful for my wife, Liz is weathering this journey with me. Giddy up! (Pandemic 2020)

Partnering up

For me, first, I have to persistently and actively remind myself, I am a family first guy.  This may not be for you, and that is OK!  Whatever your situation, be honest, be brave, have the self-talk moment you require.  Get in front of your own version of David Goggin’s “Accountability Mirror” and have that discussion with yourself!  Then engage your spouse/partner in discussion(s) and define what today, tomorrow and the future may look like.  What did this look like for my wife and me?  We kind of ignored it until kidlet 2 came along.  I was training for my 2nd 70.3 event while she was pregnant, and the shift was noticed.  My oldest was near 9/10 so our scenario was unique to us, but the stress was still stress (body cannot compartmentalize stress and it impacts training and well-being).  My wife (Liz) and I began to accept what we knew and something had to change so we began to address things, and it has been a fluid discussion to this day  – admittedly some discussions are a bit more passionate and lively. 

I find that I must be adaptable and fluid.  Like an execution plan during a race or an event, there are certain knowns/unknowns that show up and must be addressed.  To this end, if I was diligent and persistently addressing those things along the way, it was smaller slices of stress to deal with.  After we overcame our initial helping of ‘humble pie’, we have done well to stay on course and not let things get too big to handle.  Then we try to identify and implement adaptations along the way.  The biggest adaptation for me has honestly been, learning how to be forgiving enough to myself and allow myself to not have a perfectly executed training plan in Training Peaks with all greens.  Sure, I need to stay on plan and on course, but missing one work out, or cutting something short to be present for my life-partner and spouse, is far more important than a ‘green’ label on Monday’s 60 minute Zone 2 run.  So moral of the story: 

1. Pause 
2. Be present
3. Address and acknowledge the issues as they occur
4. Adapt and be patient 
5. Allow yourself and your spouse/partner/significant other plenty of space for grace!

This allowed me to identify that I needed to realize that I needed to be ok for me, so that I could then be present and available for her.  Liz my wife is a pretty independent woman.  However, she can’t do it all by herself nor should she.  So I have to be self aware to know if I am asking about myself, I need to check in with her.  When we find things that need tweaking, we are open about it.  We try to dealt with things as they occur so that we don’t get resentful, jealous or any other unwanted feeling.  She and I have to communicate.  We have to be clear with each other.  I can’t mind read, so sometimes she has to kick me in a way that I recognize something is off, especially if training has got me a bit fatigued or work responsibilities amplify and I forget a bit about her.  So, it will be different for each couple or partnership.  It is my belief, if we are consistent in your check-ins, – maybe if you aren’t a way to liken it to current behavior.  If you are always check in in with Training Peaks, or Strava or Gamin, ask yourself, am I like this with my spouse or partner?  If not, let’s remember when we check in, to also check in with our spouse/partner.  Be prepared tho.  Sometime if it is an unanticipated behavior, it may be a bit awkward at first until it becomes normalized.  For most athletes, think of it like your relationship of swimming.  We often disrespect the swim – actively or passively.  However, once we respect the swim, it becomes one of our passions.  May our relationships with our significant others and life partners be similar!

Training changes with children

I find for me; one child was not that big of a change.  Cough, ahem! — BUT when number two showed up, it became uncomfortable, and when 3/4 showed up, well, grab something solid and hold on to it for a minute.  Once you are grounded, then moving forward is available.  Ok, with each child after number 2, it is not straight-forward.  It requires patience and an active willingness to adapt.  Not only for one’s spouse, life-partner or significant other, but also for the wee-little kidlets.  Especially when they are being all out ‘crotch goblins’.  We are adults, right?  I mean triathletes are fairly honest a-types?  Am I right?  

It is like many things.  You must be ready to embrace the moment when it presents itself.  I decided to up the ante and grab a smart trainer finally.  For cycling it reduces my need to feel guilty or shame for going on a ride.  I will not be out 50 miles away with no access to being a helping hand, if needed.  I also have treated my training sessions as an avenue to learn and appreciate gratitude. It also means I can be too accessible, so its just always an opportunity to grow.

Every single difficulty that presents itself trying to negotiate family and playing triathlon is WORTH it!  I do not regret the expansion in family, it is just more entertaining to identify how to adapt to the current situation.  Once one figures that recipe out, guess what?  We must adapt again.  Little is static in life but developing healthy patterns that drive us to be able to adapt to any given scenario is quite helpful in this triathlon play.

Another fun family set of moments

So last Thursday – Saturday was SLC Fanx (Click here for event info). So, my wife and son went down to the event and on Saturday my wife cosplayed Maleficent. Overall my son and wife had a great fanx experience. It was capped off by my son forgetting something important at the hotel, us going back and him having a chat with jaime Kennedy (Scream and MTv fame) and I had a little impromptu chat with Andy Serkis. What a pleasant fellow. Overall it was a grand experience appreciated by the family. I am also adding a few captures below for fun.

Some worthwhile podcast episodes that caught my attention

In light of world events