One of the central paradoxes of communication is:
what was said , what was heard , and what was meant rarely ever match , leaving a tremendous gap in much of human communication.
This was pretty straight forward and striking to me this past week as my triathlon training got a little bit derailed. Not because of the paradox surrounding communication, rather just because its a paradox. On Facebook, on my wife’s feed, she captured a picture of one of my early swims as I was staring down the realities of my first 70.3 Ironman event. Here’s my thoughts I shared upon seeing the video:
In 2015 à few weeks b4 my first 70.3. This is so scary. Looking back from today. So much to say. Yikes…. Wow wow wow….
First, I started where I was at and I have come a long way. For me, as I am comparing me to me here. My attitude completely disrespected the swim (ÉNORME – french term). So much is not going right here, not to mention, the 3:20 or so per 100 yds output — the being the least of importance here. At this time, i was parroting and yelling at everyone within 20-30 seconds of conversation. I AM A TRIATHLETE. Now, I really wasn’t, I was excited to be taking up and participating in triathlons. I feel that I have come a long way, i feel I have a long way to go. So many lessons learned, hopefully now, I don’t look this bad in the pool or during any swim. Guess its time for Liz to capture and share an update son. Growth comes in many ways.
To me this was very timely. I was sooo naïve and foolish in my triathlon approach. I was sooo busy letting everyone know about my excitement I forgot to assure that I was improving. I say from time to time to friends as they ask what is my favorite discipline, of late it truly is the swim. Why folks ask, well, because I went from this struggle bus to where I am now. Now please, understand this comparison is me to me. If anyone comes across this, this is to help me improve. One of the first steps to real and effective progress in triathlon and the swim was this video:
In the video, one of the focal points was exactly what I didn’t understand. I was trying to get through the water instead of understanding how to use the water. The guys over at crushing iron truly helped me change my approach and mindset. What was the outcome in my first swim – Well go look at my race reflections for 70.3 IM St.George here! They then went on in their podcast to further address swimming for triathletes in a notable series they called “how to Not Suck at Swimming”. You can find their library of podcasts at their website Crushing Iron (aka C26 Triathlon). Anyway, this timely look in the rearview mirror is the kick in the bottom of my Achilles heel that I need right now. I looked at the video with parts of horror, humor and laughter, sincere worry because if I was able then to look at that video with objectivity – I would have said, Shane you are not ready. In truth, i was disrespecting the swim. I was training like this article or advice:
IRONMAN 70.3 Puerto Rico
Next up on the 10 things athletes wished they knew before racing the IRONMAN 70.3 Puerto Rico Train the least on the swim. Obviously, if you’re a less confident swimmer your should train enough to get to where you need to be, but if you’ve got limited time to train, swim training is where you can sacrifice. Do you agree? Let us know in the comments! #IM703PuertoRico
The above advice is both scary, foolish, and irresponsible. Sure, this is exactly what I did that first event, and I missed the cutoff and still was able to continue and complete the overall course (not in time look back at my race reflections post for details, if you like). It was a difficult day and I managed to survive, however, it was ROUGH! Mostly it all falls back tot he singular fact that I committed to completing a race well before I knew what I was doing, and that is ok, but it also had a risk factor that I see more clearly with the hindsight and help of 2020 (not the corona one). Look, I know I do this from time to time and I know me, it’s not an avenue for everyone, and each person has to make their own decisions when they are faced with something similar. I tend to often lean into the obstacle and well before i read the Ryan holiday Book – The Obstacle is the Way, I tended to have this modus operandi and still do. I guess that is why after the event I spent so much time and leaned into swimming. I listened and watched and researched quite a bit. I found that there was a plethora of information from many valuable and apt sources, but at the end of the day Coach Robbie Bruce and his buddy Mike Tarolly spoke to me simply and I followed that advice. And it has paid great dividends. When I find more recent video I will share. Bottom line, i took heart thankfully and listened and concentrated on swim. I have seen great amounts of Return on investment from the efforts and the respect I give the swim. It is a sanctuary and a place I enjoy being instead of dreading.
Stockdale Paradox
Collins defines the Stockdale Paradox as:
“You must retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties.
AND at the same time… You must confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”
This is an interesting paradox. This is one I struggle with. For example, I recently was given a company award from the company I work for. I mentioned something on Facebook about it and in my effort to also try to lay praise to those around me who really are the ones that paved the way for me to receive or earn this award, I think it came off a bit wrong. I try to not be too confident. I have not always been this way. I have had my share of arrogance pie – look above at my swimming reflection. This stubbornness often blinded me and gratefully it didn’t serve as a way to destroy me as it has so many others on the path. I think this Stockdale paradox succinctly demonstrates what I dislike most about annual new year’s resolutions. I find it is great to have confidence and faith in oneself. But I find it foolish when I observe myself (well, when Liz points it out to me), or I observe it in others – because people become blind by achieving said resolution.
- What if the resolution was already achieved
- What if the resolution is unreasonable given current circumstances
- What if the resolution isn’t intrinsic rather from an external source without proper calibration
- So many what if’s – so many rabbit holes – STOP IT!
That’s why I have become more task oriented in my goal or aspiration cycles. I then try to intentionally check in and compare them as the paradox states to the brutal facts of reality. I then determine if a recalibration is required, if achievement is still necessary, if any adaptations are required and then I proceed. I try to maintain this pattern through humility. I try to make sure my faith and confidence are well fitted to the environment and other factors where I have ‘no control’ so I can be ready to adapt as required. I am learning that few in my circles of influence execute their personal approaches in a similar manner and I have to observe more than anything else. Personally, as I find myself being more patient in witnessing others, it is in that patience that I have given myself space to let things go that I cannot control. I stand by and am ready to provide help, assistance, praise and engage when asked, but I don’t just give the ‘free advice’ that was often discarded because they or I were not truly ready for that interaction. I find that for me, I have to keep a clear and present watch on the situations. I am learning to trust myself enough to be honest, to allow space for grace, and to allow myself to make calculated mistakes and work through cycles of iteration. This is often difficult and why I find an affinity to the Book Ego is the Enemy. The timeliness of these reads for me in endearing and great. I am grateful that my family allows me the space to be imperfect. I am trying to be more intentional in my executions. I am trying to be more open to feedback – especially from Liz and from those friends and colleagues I trust and respect most. I try not to be like those that aren’t ready for the serendipitous free advice, rather, I try to discern what is truly valuable. I can across this video and really liked it and think it fits here in this post.
Being Intentional vs good intentions
I have really been chewing on this one a bit. I have often heard the following phrase:
The pathway to hell is filled with good intentions.
I feel that the concept of being intentional and ‘good intentions’ are two quite disparate and unique things. Let me try to =describe for me, and maybe if others happen across this it will serve of value also tot hem. What I have been learning is that to be intentional, I have to be focused and plugged in. I have to be present and acutely engaged in whatever it is. This allows me to be intentional in my thoughts, in my synthesis of information and then how that transforms and manifests itself in action. Sure it is not a perfect practice. In fact I am far from perfect. However I find, for me, it keeps me from a mindless execution that may have secondary or tertiary impacts. Being intentional requires that I recall things from the past – being mindful to not get lost there, but bring forward wisdom gained or missed in previous similar circumstances. I also then while being in the moment, can look forward and make a judgment and best decision. Sometimes I have to slow down and take time and think things through, and not fall trap to the following quote from Mark Twain :
To engage too far in worry is not something I often do, and Liz is often there to help me out of it when I go that way. I am grateful I do not have the anxiety challenges many others face. I am not sure why I have been able to create a deep library of coping skills, but I am grateful that I have. Maybe I do know and just haven’t teased it all out of me yet.
As for good intentions. Good intentions are often left without action. It has intent but it lacks the execution of action with intention. That is where the difference is. this is where i find many get lost, because they get stuck in the if I could but I have something else that has my attention challenge. My challenge is to not let my impatience and frustrations block their pathway to growth. That disruption of free-will is so frustrating, especially when I feel (right or wrong) that I have a better sense of what might be helpful. Even more disruptive for me, is this can bring me out of my ‘present’ and disrupt the needful things I need to be engaged and focused on. So, yes there is indeed a difference in being intentional and merely having good intentions. Sure I often give grace and tolerance to others when good intentions is all that is presented, however, I try my best not to fall into that slippery slope that often leads to a seemingly never ending cycle of narcissistic injury.
Jardine Juniper Trail
On Sunday after church services, we decided to head out to the Jardine Juniper trail. Its has been awhile since we have been up to Wood Camp and then up the jardine Juniper trail. A few things have changed but what hasn’t is what is great about this trail. This trail leads to a Juniper tree that is the oldest known living Juniper in the continental United States. It is an approximate 9 mile trail round trip. We only went about a mile or so and weren’t trying to tackle the whole trail. We have a ‘rock’ that we like. It is new a trailhead that the conservancy groups are trying to restore or rebuild, but we just like to use it as a back drop for great photos. Click on some of the photos above to see. It was a lovely day, and our little circus needed to get out. It has been a long period of cabin fever with Covid 19, and Lucas and raising our family and being mindful of all things we are trying to manage. What often tends to be a bit bumpy worked itself out mainly by the end of the trip. Lucas, he loves the back pack. He was a pea int he pod and just smile smile, bump bump, la dee dah! Many good times for us on this trail, all began back with Dennis being a bit smaller that Astrid. It’s so fun and well, frustrating to watch the dynamics of brothers and sisters and trying to not destroy them, rather help guide them so they become decent humans throughout their personal journeys of life.
One of the most difficult journeys I have embarked on is that of marriage. To put a soliloquy into practice, I don’t recall it perfectly but it goes something like this, “I care more about you than me but more about us than just you.” That was one of the few things I recall from the officiator of our wedding/sealing ceremony. It has echoed in my heart and mind. Then add in the kidlets. Man, so being on trail with each of the kiddos is NOT always perfect, but it is most often intentional (remember that though from above) and because of that almost every outing is full of growth opportunities for me and my kiddos. I know I have learned more than I would have without having my wife and kiddos. Now the real paradox is will they in learning from Liz and I actually teach us more. I think that is how it often ends up.
And so it is with triathlon. I mean why in the world would i want to subject myself to this:
- 70.3 distance — 1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike and 13.1 mile run
- 140.6 distance — 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike and 26.2 mile run
I can tell you why. In training in the consistent monotony of training i learn about me. I can diffuse most things and just concentrate on me and how to be better for me, my wife and my kids. Subsequently in that journey, I also accelerate my skills and learning for professional and other pursuits. To the right is a diagram from Mr. Ryan Holiday – From his book Ego is the Enemy . I tend to agree this really is the success and failure wheel. Today I had the experience where a little 3-ish year old plowed into my by accident at a store. As he hit me, he dropped something, and I was like “you got it”. He was a bit stunned, gathered himself and then he measured up and blasted on by. What appeared to be his father was apologizing to my wife and as he passed he’s like, I’m so sorry. i quipped, “i like him, he learned and missed me on the second try. That’s awesome!” As I wandered with Lucas in arms and Liz went her way for a moment, the father said to me, “most folks get all mad, thank you, thank you for being so nice to my son”. You know, my first knee jerk reaction in my head was like whoa! I was able to assess and see they eyes of that little 3 year old pierce mine and I was grateful for recent and long lessons learned. Now to turn that into action in my training and as a husband, father and human.
I just got off my bike and tonight, the ride was a success. There will be many more trainings some will be great and others will be a large pile of SUCK! It will seem as though they are failures. The thing I am most grateful for in the journey of life and in following a growth mindset and pairing it with faith based thinking and stoicism, if, but if, I am strong and humble enough (paradox) then I will be persistently able to learn. If I continue to pursue critical self assessments where I compare myself to myself, then I am positioned for great things. I wanted to stay steady on this ride and there was a rider that started just behind me and I kept that rider at a consistent .5 miles behind me. I then sprinted a bit at the end and extended it to .75 miles. The guy/gal was tearing through watts tho, and I felt it. I will never know who this Rouvy rider was, but thank you for not letting me take the easy way out but work thru this ride.
So in summary, communication is vital. Feedback and clarification are often vital in assuring both parties are in agreement. Unreasonable expectations are just future resentments. i know I say that a lot, but I have to remind myself of that to keep my ego monster at bay. I do believe that ego is the enemy and by staying persistently present I can can be mindful enough to overcome. I’m grateful to Liz who keeps me honest. I dunno that I can ever truly repay that one. Although I do truly try most days, some days I do honestly run out of gas, and that’s when I have to fail to being intentional and hope for her patience and grace. Same goes with the kiddos.
