Disclaimer: Today’s post is much more about life, than about triathlon – they often intersect and today they were more bi-polar than intersecting – This one is for me!!!
AFI (aka A Fire Inside) is always quite conflicting to me, but I have found more and more connected to their music as of late. Especially after hearing the band’s behind the music dialogues, in recent listens. The song, “Kill Caustic” (video is above), was one of the few songs where the energy just melodically drove my brain nuts!!! It described through sound/song how I really was fighting to find or create me. What I wanted as I tried to navigate life. This was before meeting Liz and ultimately becoming smitten in a way that I couldn’t push away. Well, its not an anniversary or anything. It’s just another real day of being a parent. Today, I am grateful for friends that make time in our time of immediate need. I am most grateful to the best partner in life that chose to drag me down (thanks SxDx)!
Before I met Liz, I finally discovered the outlook like Mr. Henry Rollins’ thought. I was beginning to realize and self-internalize that it wasn’t necessarily anything external that was going to create happiness or joy for me. It was going to come from within! My choices and options and the acceptance of the accountabilities associated to my selected choices.
I didn’t realize, at the time, I was intersecting my life construct with faith-based ideologies I had discarded as unreliable with what I didn’t understand as Stoicism. Now, I wasn’t all refined and perfect. I rejected the fact that I was barreling into NARCISISM and next into NIHLISM. This wasn’t happening slowly either.
I often reflected and projected the disgust and hatred. I often misinterpreted meanings because lyrics, I learned later in life, are often more cathartic than held to actionable notions from lyricists. It’s more often than not, just frustration and noise. I didn’t want to understand nor learn or accept natural consequences along with the associated accountabilities attached to my chosen actions. I had a narrowly myopic view and perception of agency at the time. In frustration, I sometimes re-enter this space. I sometimes still have to hit pause, breathe and get present, as I call up my coping libraries as life happens.
So let’s shift gears to more present times, like today.
Life is indeed a journey of deep waters! Especially for Liz and I. We don’t often choose or pick shallow waters, rather we jump in deep, often without security measures. We do follow the belief that if we feel impressed to take action, then we will be redirected if we are absolutely wrong. What we have found, similar to many others I imagine – life is HARD. The more you lean into it, the more it tries to wretch out of your being and soul as it tries to purify you from being apathetic and insolent to its lessons.
Recently I have become a fan of the works of Ryan Holiday – I was privileged to learn this tidbit through my readings and listening:
“The mind adapts and converts to its own purposes the obstacle to our acting. The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 5.20.
The quote above is found in Holliday’s book the Obstacle is the Way. It throat punched me in a way I haven’t had happen in a long time. Today (Jan 4, 2022), I understood more than ever why. I have also been listening to Dave Grohl’s audio book. He shared the adage that “you are only as happy as your unhappiest child”. I didn’t understand anything about that when I heard it about 10 days ago, and again another throat punch like experience, as today’s events unfolded .
No, not going to overshare but today (Jan 4, 2022), more so that ever, I am grateful for a friendship that started years ago after I graduated from USU. Who ever would have thought that a quirky, yet brilliantly smart colleague of mine, — mind you one that we kind of butted heads in our execution approaches, but I silently revered his genius. It wasn’t that I was jealous but I was in awe that there actually existed a person that can deliver in ways I knew could exist, but many are too afraid to be accurately real enough to just accomplish that! He was just a real dude, in the flesh! He had been through life in many difficult and complex ways, and I got to watch him find his sweetheart after watching his world be torn away from him, professionally and otherwise. A lot of words to say, I admire this guy. Always have. I probably always will. It wasn’t until we reconnected years later after leaving our jobs at Utah State University that I recognized my appreciation and friendship.
Of note about execution. Regardless of vector (faith-based, moral construct, triathlon training plan, work style, etc) it is my observation that often most agree in theory about how or what should be considered. It is in the application, execution, and/or tactical application where things go ballistic fast. It is in the application of execution where everything previously agreed upon in generality or theory gets discarded. Often because emotions or other constructs cloud and pollute the previously accepted notions, it becomes my way or the high way as opposed to seeking unity over selfish notions or biases. I see this all the time in A-type triathletes as an example – every epic activity must be completed as opposed to allowing grace or space to recover from the epic (often stupid or unrealistic effort) — padding and creating space for the body and stress to be absorbed in the training plan.
I recognize outside of a few lifelong friends and those through triathlon, I don’t have many deep friendships, anymore. This guy, I’ll keep his name out for now, is the closest thing I have to a current real friend – he doesn’t know this, but I appreciate him and his family more than I’ll ever understand.
So back to music. I was recently thinking as I listen to Dave Grohl how much I don’t like Nirvana. Yet, ironically, how much I appreciate Dave Grohl. Funny that he was the drummer of that uber annoying sensation. He, DG, probably propped up Kurt Cobain and that’s how the band produced the album NEVERMIND. I hate that album. BLEACH was the best album they printed. Then I watched the following documentary by Dave Grohl:
I watched this film about 20 times in my back and forth between SLC and Strasbourg, France. I couldn’t watch it enough. It was the “human element” that Grohl talked about that finally persuaded me to see more about the NEVERMIND album. Maybe it was being in the MTC and hearing that Curt blew his brains out that jaded me or maybe something else. But, what I can say is its the “human element” of music and sound and its transference into vectors I appreciate and understand.. I can unequivocally say I have no musical talent in my bones other than my ears being able to appreciate and recognize a great sound!
I guess what I am trying to say is this – first look at this clip and watch how Dave Grohl gets into his flow while drumming (his intense and present ‘flow’ is what I perceive myself doing in my ‘flow’ moments):
There is a space in life, that it becomes so real and so present. It is deathly human. It is the impediment and it is the obstacle. Because, as I human, I get to choose if I will be present and feel and live its raw and oft vivid realities or if I will apathetically drift and opt for a numb warm and shallow ignorance.
This post is for me.
When I watch this clip with DG, I know that space. I know that place where life just flows. I recall being in that place as a 10 or 11 year old living at 6201 Quincewood Circle and watching ABC Wide World of Sports. Years later in 2015 when I naively entered the colder than a witches boob (have to find a recent FB post of mine to understand) and was deflated despite my efforts. In that 2015 effort though, I felt more alive than I had allowed myself in years. I went numb dealing with secondary infertility with my wife. 9 damn years of burdened bull crap because of the supposed best medical systems in the world. Nope, its not, why else did I have to take Liz to Germany for her miraculous disk replacement surgery. Why, ya, apathy.
Gratefully, my wife, who is a trained journalist and researcher, doesn’t just sift through headlines. What she does do is digs deep into research oriented journals, sources and proven records to distinguish facts from hearsay. You’d have to know her to know that Dr. Google isn’t a source. Rather it is a resource to find deeper authentic sources that lead to original fact and theory. That’s for another day though!
That being said, I know that look from Dave Grohl in the above video clip. I saw that look in my mentioned friend’s approach to work and life. I found that look myself as I connected with triathlon and it reminded me that my life partner deserved my full attention and me being fully present as often as possible. Today reminded me just how not present I can be. I merely exist in those short windows, not like I was before, but enough to know I am absent. I know of my very critical imperfections, and I want to overcome many of those again.
So, contrary to what many perceive (where ever the hell folks come up with it), we (liz and our nuclear family) don’t live some picket fence dream, we make it up as we go, day by day, we simply put our best foot and iterate our best selves daily. Sometimes we hit homeruns, other times we strike out in bitter and crushing defeats.
Yesterday’s challenge was taking the strike out in stride, and getting ready for the next at bat (following the baseball analogy). Being brave enough to understand that I failed, and that I can try again. It’s time to let the anger go. It’s time to let that be yesterday, and to be present hoping for better strength and courage.
I must remember that empathy is where courage begins. My task is to be a better support to my wife and partner in crime. I hope to be available to help my kiddos through the toils of life, too.
“Keep this thought handy when you feel a fit of rage coming on—it isn’t manly to be enraged. Rather, gentleness and civility are more human, and therefore manlier. A real man doesn’t give way to anger and discontent, and such a person has strength, courage, and endurance—unlike the angry and complaining. The nearer a man comes to a calm mind, the closer he is to strength.”
– Marcus Aurelius