I share this pivot story to point out — many aren’t aware of the daily challenges we face. These often include:
- Dopamine seeking or stimulation
- Sensory overload
- Sensory deprivation
- The 3/4 F’s of stimuli response that indicate processing and so much more :
- Fight
- Flight
- Freeze
- Fawn
- Need to warrant
- Hangry not identified early enough
- So many, many, many more
Each time Liz and I hope we find a potential viable and future routine, the easy button slides away from our visual horizons. We have many daily lessons learned, multiple failures (on the daily), and sometimes even tears. However, and gratefully, most nights we get “I love yous” from our 18, 8, 6, and 3 year old. This is our circus of chaos! Most days we love it! Some days we are more WTF than anything else. And many days we are hanging on by our meager fingernails.
A previous post to set the stage
I always pictured I was learning the stoicism concept of Premeditatio malorum in order to help others more than myself. Liz mentions from time to time that I probably need therapy because I am so strict with myself and at times too tolerant with others (Thanks Marcus Aurelius). Today, I am losing my voice to acute laryngitis, again – a seemingly chronic annual event – go my genes.
I helped with the kiddos post Christmas – please look up Autism(ASD) and PDA – PDA is kinda the antithesis and ‘hold my beer’ to a favorite phrase of mine – ‘unrealistic expectations are just future resentments’. I helped my spouse and kidlets thru their various needs during winter break (aka I was dad, I do it a lot and generally I love it). I help feed animals, assure our 4 chickens are surviving, that our 3 rabbits are thriving. I sent my adult son with my wife for food and a Bang drink (a specific day within the break) – even though we continue to watch the bank account with finite resources dwindle.
All of this, then unexpectedly, the fateful popping sound and paused flash of electronics. The downstairs main breaker of our electrical main panel is fried. So I sit in front of a fire in the dark, reminiscing sacred friendships that have been cultivated.
From the friends that listened to us, blabbering, as we analyze and understand the scale of this adult problem. We quickly ascertained and surmised that just swapping out the breaker is not a feasible option (1960’s and 2023 code misalignment). To our friend, who without flinching, despite raclette not being an option bc of this event, offered to coordinate and help — through that help we created an action plan that started the following day at 830 am. Another dear old college friend, mind you at the end of their day – also reached out and says ‘I have to pelonis oil based radiant heat heaters, where do I bring them?’
Here’s the vulnerable part. I often find myself planning for the worst but always helping others (premeditatio malorum). Instances or examples where we just helped others.
- From flying someone to Africa for an unanticipated funeral
- finding a way to fund my wife’s back surgery during a pandemic in Germany, bc it was the best thing to do
- Often shoveling or snowblowing driveways – until it broke and I wasn’t able to use it for me – sorry to those I havent been helping, and i hsve shoveled my property this whole year after tearing a groin (lower hip adductor)
It sure seems trivial, but in this moment where I can’t figure out how to help us – and I know people wonder and silently judge – why we can’t make certain family things like Disney or other things. It’s because I am swimming in deep and often in dark waters, helping others as I come across them in their challenges and opportunities, too . It’s just what I a-morally do. Yes, we invited a few questionable people into our home to stabilize them. That is what I thought I learned in faith-based circles – you know the Beatitudes. And we didn’t let them leave until they were stable – even if they didn’t understand that for themselves yet. wiki link to the Beatitudes for a bit more context from a non faith-based more contextual perspective.
My question this whole year (2023) has been who helps the helpers when the helper is hurt or can’t help? Not as a woe is me, but sincerely because I found myself there – how does this work?
Well, those sacred friends do – often without judgment, often without criticism. My friend pool has wained thru the years, but I do know who you are. I know i am privileged to call you friend. Mediation malorum- I first learned, not by name but by coping skill, my parents did their absolute best, I know that bc I have that intrinsic but reinforced value in me for my kids and close friends too.
All is well. I am grateful. I am alive while many facing genocide, often from those same faith based types – complicit or otherwise. Some 20 thousand and more will not see tomorrow and are probably questioning the universe with similar questions I don’t have answers to either.
So, I am grateful for this practice – glad you are here reading my blog – I want to share a gift that has helped me in my darkest hours. Not to sound trite, but while swimming in the American River during ironman 2022, feeling accompanied by my friend who chose another path and ultimately unalived himself, or when the stranger from CdA that alerted me that he could fix my mechanical (road 60 miles on with that problem), and to my family that came out and saw me transition from bike (that mechanical slowed me down a lot) to run and those that met me at the end of a long and quite lonely run – I was also reminded by those of similar blood and family lines that are there for me too in their own ways. I earned that esteemed call from Mike Reilley – ‘Shane from Logan, Utah – you are an Ironman!”
I have plenty to be grateful for, and I know I should complain less, I currently have friends fighting biological difficulties, mental difficulties (trauma and biology induced) and I’m struggling to find 3 k to replace electricity for my family while they fight for the breath of life.
So to those, who should have enough details to know who you are if you read this long….may the universe support you in similar ways and better even than the ways you have supported me and my family. I know my imperfections and that’s why I lean Into my faith, stoicism and concepts like pre meditatio malorum. It doesn’t necessarily make it easier, but it’s helped me be comfortably alone with myself. I’m privileged to be the helper friend when I am able, often times after long swims, bike rides and runs where I was alone and prompted to reach out, or see a plight or an off comment on the socials, and took action.
I love my nuclear family, my wife is hot (psycHOTic) – see my new t-shirt. I thought maybe I made it to the new year, – unrealistic expectations are just future resentments- bit me in my gluteus maximus. Thank you for friends I may forget I have and sincerely I do try to be better, but it’s often crisis that pulls me to my best efforts – not bc I am compelled to, but bc I want to and I don’t know how to do it differently.
LIz and I thank you. No mindless, post a photo, or share this or that, but thank you and if you can – be better, do better – your kindness and authentic actions matter. I need those examples they – fuel me. Thank you if you made it here, and if you visit my blog post. Thanks.
We had to skip some favorite Christmas activities this month due to unplanned hurdles, but we finally made it to the zoo and LDS temple Square lights. So, we introduced our 3 non-adult kiddos to Pie Pizzeria.
Now it’s time to lay my head down and think on an old familiar tune.
