Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 6.47
When you wish to delight yourself, think of the virtues of those who live with you. For instance, the activity of one, and the modesty of another, and the liberality of a third, and some other good quality of a fourth.
For nothing delights so much as the examples of the virtues, when they are exhibited in the morals of those who live with us and present themselves in abundance, as far as is possible. Wherefore we must keep them before us.
—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 6 (tr Long)
Journey of reasonable self-scrutiny
These are some forward and top of mind thoughts since I encountered them. The Four Agreements are great and simple reminders :
Be impeccable with your word
A few of the cardinal virtues come forward and are represented and reflected and forged in this first one. Shakespeare used the what has become a coined phrase and now maxim – “To Thine own self be true” . As this occurs, then the ability to limit things to what one means becomes most available. But if one isn’t true to oneself, then many things could be said without meaning. As I learned a second language I learned the power of words. I also understand the ambiguity of words. Temperance can come forward as words are chosen to describe perceptions around an event. Those perceptions are not always best shared, especially about another, if I don’t already know who I am or what I stand for, and wisdom comes forth as I learn to observe and hold my tongue.
Don’t Take Anything Personally
As a father of 4 Neurodivergent kiddos, 3 of which are ASD and 2 of those with a PDA profile, this is an exercise that bears sharing. Some interactions from kiddos to parents are just tough. They can often be raw. Kiddos aren’t trying to hurt us and often they are only messaging and communicating what they authentically see. Framing that at its source is hard tho. I find using the kiddos a perfect example to illustrate others we interact with only do and say what is a projection of their specific reality (this is a rabbit hole). So, finding common space may not be as ‘mutual’ as one identifies with. This is not to say be guarded, rather don’t hold on to too much if the share or info is not consensual. Free advice is often well intentioned, but as they say – the pathway to hell is full of good intentions” and I am finding it is better to ask for clarity and have a discussion. That is where true growth may be found. It isn’t EASY. but it can be very worthwhile to cultivate that practice of communication.
Don’t Make Assumptions
Then as we interact with other adults (often they are kiddos in adult bodies) as we often provide the assumption (often flawed as unreasonable expectations are just future resentments) that the other adult has exerted similar efforts and so ground is common. This is where the stoic principle of “be tolerant of others and strict with self” is so helpful. What sucks is when we find out the disparity in ‘common’ things (effort, understanding, education, wisdom, tolerance, etc). Example – when someone expresses sorry in a store instead of excuse me (we are all navigating equitable space) it is most often worthwhile if needed to express pardon me, then ask questions:
- What can I help you with?
- Did I do something?
- I’m confused – what did you do – I don’t feel an apology is necessary?
It takes courage to communicate misunderstandings. It takes courage to gather context and minimize assumptions to understand the event and or truths around false drama.
Always Do Your Best
No matter what one does as an imperfect human, best is always subjective to another, so see above and focus on self here. It’s exhausting. It can be an ideal maxim where failure occurs almost as much as our noble aspirations. But give yourself grace and considering all the inputs, information and available facts – take and make your best actions. I find myself my own worst critic and fan, and often outside of my closest and intimate personal circles – the island only has 3 persons –
- Me
- My worst critic (aka me)
- My best fan (aka me)
So do your best. Sometime as we use the thief of joy – comparison – we debase our own progress abd growth. So, I say be like Disney’s Elsa and Let it go, and in another sonnet “do the next right thing”. Over time doing the most right thing you can see is your best, too.
Perspective and Perception
One of the most frustrating positions to be in and I find I intersect with it often is this: I have information, someone asks me in good faith to share my perspective. Only to have that return with the actor that asked claiming injury. This is one of the reasons why i shifted from the notion of I know more, to whis is what I observe and I se this phrase “What I have learned/witnessed/observed for myself is…”. This way, if I share advice, wisdom or whatever I can fall back to “be tolerant of others and strict with self”. Should the actor that asked return with claim of injury etc – I can point to the 4 principles above of taking things personal or assuming and returning to being as impeccable with my word as possible. This should reasonably land us into a space where we can communicate as adults and sift through any clarifications and misunderstandings. Unreasonable expectations are just future resentments. Yes, yes they are!
Being a parent is hard
I remember when I was a PERFECT parent – ironic thing tho, I didn’t have kids of my own yet. As I mentioned – comparison is the thief of joy. Isn’t it interesting how much that we do is habit forming or creating a pattern or ritual of another? I guess I am observing more and more this appears to be one of the more telling signs of maturity. First I will describe it for me. As I have journeyed through parenting, I have so many lessons learned. Every day I parent I encounter just how much I really don’t know. When I receive inputs of information and experiment upon them, i use what works best and sometimes offload waht doesn’t. At times that approach doesn’t work, because in discarded I am being pennywise but pund foolish. Meaning I took the bare minimum and exerted efforts that short changed Improvements I was seeking to find.
So I have to be humble enough to place my ego to the side. The phrase out of the mouths of babes. I found myself saying to another set of parents I encountered at a local Papa Murphy’s when their “Circus of Chaos” was just being a group of awesome kids. The parents started to apologize, and my now phrase is “there isn’t much that doesn’t just let kids win”. The parents said thank you. And the mom quipped, you must be a dad, to which I responded I have 4 and she asked ages. 18,8,6 and 3. This family had 4 kids under 10, and in an open space without others, they were in their own worlds. Awesome! I found myself asking – Isn’t it interesting how having kiddos is the most frustrating yet most rewarding process of life. The mom’s look almost burst into tears, and the Dad looked at me and said thanks! I responded – well if you know you know, and I observe few know – even other parents. I shared the story with my wife and I guess because I was there to witness the other parents not being judged or criticised by another is what affected me most. As the parent of PDA kiddos
As the parent of PDA kiddos – any preconceived script rarely fits. So many people outside to our immediate nuclear family don’t know or experience the context we know, until they do. Through experiences like taking my wife to Germany for back surgery or allowing our kiddo to go with grandparents – few see or witness what we do intimately. It often takes about 2 weeks for the vulnerable, true authentic kiddos, to come forward. That’s when the mask breaks, and the true angel/devils inside themselves come forth. We see this on the daily with almost every interaction we have with our kiddos as their caregivers and parents. So, to this end, that’s why I determined, after many please and proddings and suggestions from my wife, to seek tools. We used At Peace Parents as a coaching resource. After a few weeks, we were exposed to tools and strategies. Was it perfect? Nope, does the gal, Casey know that. Yes! But I appreciate her courage and authenticity and the information she shared with us.
I posted these thoughts back in 2022
“So – liz and I did some coaching to support our patenting gaps and learn more about asd and in particular about the profile of PDA Pathological Demand Avoidance. 2 of my kids have this neurological disadvantage. It’s been a pressure and an opportunity to guide them through their anxiety, threat response and shallow coping skill library that requires Liz and I to be wildly adaptable to overcome various and often difficult scenarios. Sometimes we did well and often we just couldn’t provide the needed helps so we turned to at peace parenting.
While training for an ironman and traveling to visit family, our Littles have been enjoying lots but also masking immensely. They aren’t broken at all nor are we as parents. We are doing what Maya angelou suggests:
“Do your best until you know better. When you know better, be better”.
We return home tomorrow and have had a mostly good trip. We are grateful for the kind and receiving family support. We hope the kids will retain these memories and we have made a lot of trip changes to keep their overall experiences happ and positive.
All this to say, we needed help and ar peace parenting helps me and my family be better.”
Here’s a resource and a guide to those who don’t know about the ASD profile called Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA).
