A few weeks ago, this quote prompted thoughts I put into a blog post – Click here for blog post –
“Solitude allows you to reflect while others are reacting. We need solitude to refocus on prospective decision-making, rather than just reacting to problems as they arise. You have some external stimulus, then you go back to your experience, your education, and you see what needs to be done.”
From retired four-star Marine Corps General James Mattis
This idea and thought has lingered. In my work interactions it came front and center as I dealt with a few tussles. Someone I interacted with today remarked, as I shared with a colleague some insights and lessons learned, how easily and confidently I assert, create, and maintain work boundaries. I attribute this to many, many deep reflections with my life partner and spouse, Liz. Then there are the many swim, bike and run sessions. These are the opportunities where being alone and becoming comfortable with myself and who I am while I wander in wonder occur most often. It is through this thing I refer to as ‘a journey of reasonable self scrutiny’. The battle of keeping my ego and my ability to be a douche-turd acknowledged and at bay requires and takes effort, discipline, determination and patience! It also demands persistent recalibration as I mis-step as well.
A distant friend shared a reflection of a sweet learning moment they observed. The lesson learned came from watching the actions of their kiddo. Another friend jumped in and also shared a thought. This prompted me to reflect, when I look back, in my own catalogues of experience, it is interesting how many times I missed opportunities and bore the burden of learning from my offspring, too. It is even more difficult when it’s my own ego that keeps me from acting (often our kiddos just act, naively or otherwise discarding justifications etc). Too often, I found myself thinking I will be better next time. I’ve become so much more comfortable understanding that ‘next time’ is now, in the present. Not in the past that I cannot change or in the future buried in intention or anxiety. I’ve gratefully become better in practicing – doing better, being better.
I am acutely aware that often times as Taylor Swift sings – “It is me, the problem is me.”
So, I roll up my shirt sleeves, thrusting my hands back in ‘the dirt’, trying to learn what actions – not just mere intentions – I can improve upon. Each time, iteratively hoping to improve, and not allowing fumbles to derail me for too long. I also acknowledge, often brutal lessons learned, by leaning into obstacles. Accepting what little I truly know. Willing to step a few paces further into the dark – hopeful to find lights (green or otherwise) to illuminate the paths I choose to wander.
I still recall a poignant situation that lead to a conversation around integrity. It was about allowing another human the space to control their personal autonomy (free will or choice). It was a hard lesson to learn. I was living in France and it was Christmas time! The short story is no one wanted the food we were offering. Unfortunately, we had already chosen for them! The group I was part of – collectively, or in part, dismissed and discarded the sacred opportunity for these other humans to express their own autonomy/agency. When a question to a french ‘homeless type’ responded to my inquiry – words of wisdom re-shaped and caused me to recalibrate – lots. He shared that his integrity, and the others’, was ruined by us choosing for them. I have since learned to listen and fulfill the requested need/ask. Yes, once in Farmville that lead me and Liz to a liquor store fulfilling a struggling woman’s plea. The gratitude in that poor woman’s eyes was worth more than what was spent for that fifth of cheap vodka. Just because one subscribes to a specific worldview, doesn’t mean they aren’t exempt from becoming and or being an A-hole. This experience among many along my journey of reasonable self scrutiny has encouraged my efforts. I am grateful for the mindset and the opportunities of solitude and reasonable self scrutiny that triathlon, my wife, and sometime work colleagues allow me to iteratively grow.
Another set of ‘head-space/mindset thoughts’
A quote by Ryan Holiday from his book “The Obstacle is the Way” —
“Stop looking for an epiphany, and start looking for weak points. Stop looking for angels, and start looking for angles.”
Ryan Holiday – Obstacle is the Way
One of my fave things about stoicism is its intersections with my other affinities in life. From my journey of reasonable self scrutiny, to things I glean from my faith-based adventures/journey to evidence based interactions and lessons learned from hypotheses that often guide my execution preferences (choices) in life.
Joy, awe, wonder, happiness – often come by the mundane, through the small and often overlooked boring things. What was once a weakness, may still be one or has subsided and at times has become a strength. Mortals are the angels! We mere mortals are left to learn or not, and actions lend lessons learned or aspirations that lead to joy, awe, wonder and happiness.
I am not necessarily lost, rather I am in awe while I wander often in wonder – my kiddos have provided me the most chaotic yet fulfilling environment to fail/succeed more often interacting with joy and at times offered the succinct privilege of being reminded of what the absence of joy feels like. But I try not to stay there too long as actions tend to lead me to something much more satiable. Being cheerful is a choice, and I am understanding more and more about this quote by Wade Davis –
Even in times like today where we are often inculcated with curated and altered truths, there is a lot to be grateful for.
“Not to feel exasperated, or defeated, or despondent because your days aren’t packed with wise and moral actions. But to get back up when you fail, to celebrate behaving like a human–however imperfectly–and fully embrace the pursuit that you’ve embarked on.”
— Marcus Aurelius
In summary –
Today being April 5th, an event I was supposed to volunteer at, I missed today because I focused on Saturday not the numeric date. I don’t know why I did that. I feel like I let a friend down tho, because I was going to be there, tomorrow. No matter what I did today it would not help tho, because I have been buried by escalations of others well beyond my control. The crazy thing about accountability loops, even in the power paradigm – no matter how far down the road one chooses to kick a can, a problem, trash, etc – it’s still the original actors problem and accountability. Even if it is a pretty shiny rock, it’s not my accountability to bear, it’s that other actor’s and karm or fate or justice is often blind in its demands for retribution.
So, I was human, and to Joe whom I respect and consider a dear friend –
So, apparently I still have a lot of work to do! Back to the grind.
