I wish i didn’t notice everything.
I wish i didn’t feel the shift in someone’s tone, the hesitation in their smile, the way their words sometimes don’t match their eyes. i wish i could exist in a room without absorbing every unspoken thought, every undercurrent of tension, every tiny crack in the foundation of a conversation.
But i do. and it’s exhausting.
My brain is always running, always analyzing, always bracing for something to go wrong. did i say the wrong thing? did i miss something? is everyone okay? am i okay? it’s like living in a constant state of fight or flight, even when nothing’s actually happening.
My body doesn’t understand that the war i’m preparing for is just life. sometimes, i envy people who don’t think this hard. the ones who don’t replay conversations in their heads like a broken record. the ones who can walk away from a bad moment without carrying it like extra weight in their chest. i wonder what it’s like to just be to exist without dissecting every feeling, every glance, every silence.
Maybe ignorance really is bliss. maybe life is easier when you don’t feel everything all the time. but i don’t know how to be that person. and part of me wonders if, deep down, i even want to be.
Thoughts
The above text and image caught my attention – this isn’t how I feel, but I feel moments of each part of this at different times. I know folks in my intimate circles of influence that probably live this moment to moment.
I have come to realize that it truly is about who stands or plays in the rain with you, when they have had every opportunity to choose a chance to be dry. I persistently observe more than ever that everyone loves you when you let everything slide, but the moment you start setting boundaries and holding people accountable, I become the one that’s difficult.
I get to witness powerful examples through my wife – “The moon taught me that there is beauty in darkness too, that even when I don’t feel whole, I am enough.” I sense that Chief REd Eagle’s remarks that “Angry people want you to see how powerful they are. Loving people want you to see how powerful your are”.
As a father I have witnessed and observed to many lessons learned as I chase aspirations, failures and plenty successes. It is my hope that my kiddos will one day understand my journey efforts in my own personal journey of reasonable self scrutiny lead me to many destinations – least of which the one with the title of Father!
