So I guess it has been some time since I have unpacked and let my thoughts flow. First headspace oriented. Above are some thoughts and other things that troll my mind of late.
Headspace oriented
What I mean is with triathlon, you really just start where you are at and bring or acquire what you can afford along the way. This is not a one-size-fit-all equation. For some it may provide undue stress and for others it simply provides access and adventures including unpresented results. But just because it works for Jim, doesn’t mean the same exactly applies to Sally, rather Sally might be able to use the associated principles and achieve similarly pleasing results.
At a recent event (Logan Tri) another female participant asked for my attention asking if she may ask me a question. Sure, I’ll be helpful if I can. What I hope to foster is a community full of triathletes where we can ask questions seeking responses without consequence. Everyone generally has work or effort to put forward, events and trainings with other triathletes should be the safest place for any ‘person to come and participate in the processes associated with the triathlon. To that end, I responded to her questions being kind and trying to address her inquisitiveness. She asked about 5 questions, each followed by a thank you and a may I ask another. Sure. I was in T1 and was pretty much done setting up. What struck me was her quick comments — “Thank you for being so kind today. Often people are rude and make me feel like I don’t belong!” Man, in that moment my heart sunk a lot, but I was grateful — after I finished with Lucas in my arms, this gal smiled from ear to ear, caught my attention and again rendered a simple thank you. Now, I don’t know this person, and I may never encounter her again but I can only hope she had a good day and comes back for more triathlon.
This year has been an excruciatingly frustrating experience, full of growth and lessons learned. From 2 kiddos in the hospital, preparing for an Ironman full distance triathlon, preparing to get Liz the back surgery she needs for a better life (in Germany and completely out of pocket – insurance calls it experimental and a luxury) — many of these things I can’t control, rather I can only lean into the obstacle.
“The mind adapts and converts to its own purposes the obstacle to our acting. The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.”
Marcus Aurelius from his Meditations, Book 5.20.
Some days I feel found and saved, other days I feel lost and discarded – it’s not uncommon for me to share a phrase or complete sentence and have people look at me like I am other worldly. I find myself asking, did I say that in French or English, because I heard english come out of my mouth.
Incurrent events there is a lot of noise, and I shared a post on the socials, that for me, prompted me to turn inward and do another inventory (critical self-assessment) on me. As I watch folks turn everything political it makes me turn inwardly first to insure that I am on solid footing for me. I know that I have many scars and bruises that mostly prove to me that I showed up. Lessons learned, wisdom gleaned, the mercy of time and the allowance of perspective grants me opportunities beyond my worth.
I find value in lessons learned, and while I seek for more value and wisdom tomorrow, I am extremely grateful to just be still. In other words to be present. To know what gratitude and self worth is – is humbling. To be accepted by some and revered by others is beyond words. My wife can speak to me being a bit out of place lately, but never you worry because I know that I am grounded and due to the patterns and habits I have formed, with some evaluation and calibration, I’ll be even farther ahead soon. More adventures lay ahead. Liz Livingston thank you for your patience and trust in me.
About Liz and Her Needed Back Surgery
Back surgery campaign for Liz — for those interested its open thru Aug 11 – So please go order a shirt!!!!. So, in November, Liz is going to Germany for a pretty cool but frustratingly needed back surgery. The info can be found here, so folks know that we aren’t in kahootz with the newest cyber phishing scheme. We are currently working through the details. Like my primary insurance provider doesn’t cover this ‘supposedly’ experimental surgery and it will be out of pocket. we will most likely bring Lucas with us as he is still under 2. For context if you didn’t know, when Dennis , now 15, was about 7 months old, Liz decided it would be fun to fall down the stairs in our townhouse we were renting at the time. What’s more, she did everything to protect little Dennis and inured herself pretty good. She has been a trooper through the years and was slated to do fusion, but it didn’t feel right. So we punted both times and a distant friend of mine did this exact procedure. So, watching the experience of my friend gave Liz hope and she really dug in and researched. So here we are en route to hoping to provide her the best option to get 65 + years restored to her back and hopefully less pain and more options for her to pursue more running and yoga.
Triathlon related
So my last 2 runs have been greatly encouraging. One I felt like I was able to run like I used to, not as fast or at a pace where i was in 2018/2019 but with my head and my heart and body finding flow. Let me share a funny story: there was this young twitter pated couple walking in the pitch black, I was lost in ‘flow’ and as i snap to – i go into full dog, bear, moose, dear, mode. Nope just a couple mindlessly dragging their feet. I was half expecting the jabberwocky to jump out and drag me away given my last few ironman build ups. About flow, it hits at the oddest times, thank heavens big foot, or some creature jump out to take me into the tunnels at the foot of the Logan temple. In the end all was well.
Let’s talk about ‘flow’ Some people talk like its the perfect state. I find it to be very fluid and it comes and goes. You don’t have to be at an elite perfected state for it to appear. Rather, its more of a representation of doing the small things consistently and mostly right. I’ve seen it in swim, bike, run and in nutrition, although nutrition manifests itself a bit differently
So like I said, I was just carried away, lost in the moment, in my breath, listening to my body, hearing and feeling it all and then that feet scraping and shuffling. I must have really looked bizarre to this couple!
My workouts have not been as consistent as I would like, and now I have to hunker down as I am a mere 12 weeks away and the plan I am following is just that. I am a bit nervous about the load and accumulated stress. i can tell you that Liz knows that I am not where I’d like to be so this. The picture and thought to the left capture where my mind is at.
I need to get on my bike trainer and planning for more of that in the evenings after the currently psycho kidlets go to sleep. Did I mention that they NEVER sleep. NEVER!
Anyway, I am feeling pretty good about what is being started. That being said I think I can get my mind and feet under me.
So, I’m starting to feel runs coming back. I put in a near 7 miles last night and almost 6 this morning. I took lots of pix on this run and took my time to stop, look around, and take it in. The feel of the sprinklers beating my tiring legs. Feeling my breath. I even added in the big Aggie stair case up Old Main at my collegiate Alma Mater of Utah State University. It was nice to run hills and just enjoy the resistance. To know that I have time to re-calibrate and focus over the next few weeks. My head is in a great space. Even after a frustrating work scenario that probably helped me fuel these back to back training runs.
On that topic. Everyone’s body, and especially mine deals with stress in slightly different ways. The first rule of stress and the human body – the body CANNOT and DOES NOT compartmentalize stress. Stress is stress is stress. Second rule is the body only has so much energy to give in a given 24 hour space, and the body doesn’t care about the 24 hours in a day. Accumulated stress and fatigue, will manifest differently in everyone’s body. It is up to the individual to ‘feel’ out those nuances and address them. If one avoids it, they will linger and generally manifest in burn out or physical injury. I have been good about the physical injury part, but the burn out, not so much.
An analogy:
Car:
Remember watching the movie Better Off Dead, when Lane finally gets to the SS Camaro that has been under the tarp on the driveway. He works with the French foreign exchange student, gets it all prepped and back to working order. And what’s the first thing that one is want to do — be like Warren in Empire records: Stomp on the gas man! and take him out!
Body:
In our minds, the older we get, the more our perception stays the same unfortunately. If we treat our bodies like that car from Better Off Dead, forget about it over time and then one day wake up and say – I feel like running a marathon. Then we over do it, because we are feeling “it” in that moment. What we do is epically destroy ourselves. Sure, we may get away with it a few time, but if we ignore our internal “Check Engine” light, we become the idiots for not observing the warnings.
So, during my build up, as I was talking to my wife, I feel a bit slow. Sure I used to run multiple times a week through Central Park. That 10 k run was nice, in a controlled loop and the fastest I got it own to was approx. 42 minutes. I wanted to break 40 minutes, but my company and assignments had other plans. So, I keep reminding myself, even though I am a bit slower now, it is forcing me into the 80/20 concept where 80 percent of the work is done not under duress – so Zone 2, and some is done to trigger and see where things are at. I have to keep reminding myself I am where I am at today, not where i was at as a 16 – 21 year old, or even 3 years ago, or 6 months ago. I am where I am at today. I have lost 7 lbs the last 2 weeks and am now looking at 218 lbs. I know that will keep shedding and I need to be wise about my diet and food/fuel choices. I have to remind myself its ok to feel. Its true, the only irrefutable truths from a human are our feelings and our sensations. No one can tell me that my feelings and sensations aren’t mine nor are they real. Sure opinions are like belly buttons and everyone has them (ya there’s another way to say that too).
As stressful as life gets, its good to be alive, its good to feel. i am grateful for my challenges. I am grateful for growth opportunities even if the associated suck really is nigh to unbearable. I love my wife, my family and my life. Once all the accumulated fatigue sets in, I write this to remind myself!
