Look at this Motley Crue! The circus Livingston. Wouldn’t have it any other way!
Some thoughts:
I forgot about this shot I took on a stroll in Strasbourg. Man, the moments that shape us. I am grateful for the last year home with my family and not travelling. Many years I spend 40 + weeks travelling. Nothing to me is more important than my family. I got to hug Dennis and make him squeamish today. I got to cuddle Astrid and keep her warm. I got to carry Astrid at the lake. I got to make Juniper smile and capture super slo-mo moments of wonder and watch her gleam with joy throwing rocks in to porcupine. I got to snap some pix of Lucas and struggle with trying to console him. Liz and I have it pretty good. It’s not perfect, definitely not. There have been many lonely nights, wrought with doubts of what’s our next step – what should we do, where do we go next. We have some friends that are wading through those dark moments, and we don’t know why they lean into us, but it is an honor and a privilege to be able to stand with them in the crucibles they must endure.
This picture captures the chaos and beauty of a city far away, thousands of miles. I think what I love most about being a dad/husband are the moments. The raw, the horrible I wish I didn’t do that’s and the, thank heavens I wasn’t too distracted to miss that. Today was a good day sprinkled with some hot mess moments too. Life. I think I am more honest with where we are, and don’t sugar coat things in social platforms. I really appreciate the books I’ve recently chosen. It’s not that I am passionate about life, rather I’ve been intentional. That has been something I don’t know how I do it, but for Liz and the kidlets – it’s what I do, rife with mistakes at times, but heck, at least I’m me. Ya, it was a good day. And it wasn’t even Friday.
Yesterday was Sunday, and we often use it as our day of rest. We are faith-based and it is our dedicated Sabbath, and at time its is anything but restful. Yesterday, though, I found myself reveling and caught in moments. I went out with Astrid and Juniper and we were on the trampoline. While I was also checking in on our chickens, I was able to observe the interactions of them two engaged in being sisters. They were oblivious to any of the ills of the world and were in the middle of everything that embodies a relationship between two sisters. This time, there was no eruption into them being upset at one another’s actions, they were just being sisters. I was able to stop and look at our yard and begin to ready for projects, or not.
Triathlon
So, I am finally starting to get back to running. The funny thing is the first run, well it was pretty good. i was out and about, took a simple route. I tend to follow the hills, and even tho this was my first run back I did just that. I took a lot of pictures because it had been awhile and I was enjoying the opportunity to be back out and at it. I was paying attention to the little things. The trail, where I was going, what the air and the smells felt like. What my heart was doing, how my breathing was and then I cam up on a truck that was blocking the sidewalk. Where I was at, there is a place that we refer to the “dugway” and at this point there is a crosswalk, recently improved the last year or so that we can press a button and alert everyone via flashing lights our intentions to cross. This is where the truck was. i was snapped out of my running splendor, the perfection of being in quasi utopia and my brain goes to the ‘monster’ thought of – who are you and why is your truck blocking the sidewalk. As I surveyed the scene and am tracking another runner and as I see the guy near the truck it all becomes clear – The man is wearing a flap jacket with the designation – US Marshal’s! It was like being back in Grand Central Station post 911 but this time, the person was my size and he was ‘bearing’ a nice M-16 or similar. As I gave right-of-way tot he other runner, and he gives me this look of “what’s happening”, I moved to the side and tried not to carry over too far and encroach this Marshal in whatever they were doing. Across the street was an acquaintance of ours that was taking pictures and video and she opened with “It’s never a good day when the US marshal is at your house”. We exchanged a few thoughts and words but it wasn’t clear what was happening. What was clear is how quickly something can take you from a state of ‘FLOW’ to a disruption. How I must be ready to salve the next equation. How is it that I can stay level, in the middle, not let something disrupt me from a great run. In the end I have no idea whose lives were being impacted by choices. What I knew is that – I am glad I didn’t bark out ‘why are you blocking the sidewalk’ – that I quickly assessed the scene and determined that I couldn’t afford the distraction.
I think so far in my two runs back, it’s the listening to my body. Staying out of my head.
Ignoring the want and the desire as I go slower and take it easier hanging out and flirting and building a relationship with my Z2, instead of wanting to be like Warren in Empire Records:
See the clip at 4:38 or so – SLAM on the gas!!!
Being patient, being intentional, being ready to accept what comes my way. I was thinking while running last night that the hardest thing – is looking at where I am at now and where I was and where I think I could be. I must simply be strong enough, disciplined enough and not get ahead of myself. I need to understand where I am, where I’d like to go and be like Matthew McConaughey “Alright, Alright, Alright”. I mean, we often want what isn’t there. What I mean with running. We often hear our running friends pre-emptively provide reasoning of where they were or why today may not be good, because of the past. Quite often, its more than just simple self-sabotage because the script is rehearsed and we share why training was disruptive or bad. Instead of sharing a quick quiet confident, you know, I am where I am and we shall see what happens. So it is with training. I was thinking to myself as I came down the hill next to Merlin Olsen park, avoiding getting run over in the crosswalk – folks just don’t seem to pay attention there. I caught myself thinking about how by the end of this journey to October 24 I will be running 8 minute miles and how this run will be so easy. STOP!!!!
Stop it!
Snap back to where I am at right now. The only effort in last night’s run that matter was mile 2 to 3. i wanted to intentionally make that my quickest mile of the run but I wanted it to be intentional. As I was approaching the Market on Center Street, I was wandering a bit to much in my head. I had lost my ‘flow’ moments from the run the day before. I was too far ahead in my head and I wanted to be in the moment here. I looked at my watch and focused, did a quick math equation in my head and made sure this mile was my best effort. Not it WAS NOT my best mile ever – that was a few years back in Delaware when I ran a sub 7 minute mile after flying in from SLC and was just needing to burn off energy from a long travel day. No, this effort was about an 11:50 mile. It wasn’t glorious or epic, it was merely a small and simple effort that may serve to be one of many in a long build up to October 24.
My point, I am not a car. I am not metal and take gas and run on combustion. I am a human. I have a lots of accumulated stress from each day’s activities and accumulated fatigue that gnaws at my human body and psyche. I am a dad, a husband a friend a co-worker a neighbor. I am me. I enjoy the lifestyle of triathlon, not because I make money from it, rather it is an activity that allows me space to ‘feel’. That’s the allure. Often we get asked ‘Why’. What is your why? Why do you want to go 70 miles in 3 disciplines? Why do you want to be an Ironman and complete 140.6 miles in one day? Some days, I just don’t know, and other days it is so dialed in, but I don’t know that I can explain it, but i will share with me and any others what I have received. I have been able to re-invigorate and satisfy my old competitive itch. But what’s more, I’ve been able to re-engage in my mind the game, the strategy, the fun of being in the moment and being able to be in a flow state and just be. While swimming or riding a bike or running, I have opportunities to be alone with myself and vulnerable but confident. I have been able to see my wife understand and witness the change from being an egoist to slowly and iteratively becoming one more selfless and less selfish – don’t you worry I have more to go. It’s the one place in those activities and during an event where I am able to just be without a filter. It is wherever I am at, there are no secrets, there are now would have’s or should have – there is just here I am and this is what I have got for the day. That’s an excitingly terrifying place to be and I LOVE it!
I am in the space where I need to be honest with myself and move incrementally forward, one step, one block one discipline and workout at a time. I am doing this self-coached and know what I need to do to be 70.3 ready and will be there by July 1 and the rest will be a leap of faith, and I should be able to do it.
Headspace
So, I’ve recently completed the Obstacle is the Way and Stillness is the Key. i started Ego is the Enemy recently, and listen to it while running. It is a bit raw and quite direct. A few of the topics are both confirming in things that I already do, or am actively working on, others are compelling. I am told this one is a bit repetitive compared to the authors previous works, but a little repetition often reinforces vital learning opportunities.
This one stuck out to me:
“Tiger, one day you will come to a fork in the road and you’re going to have to make a decision about which direction you want to go. He raised his hand and pointed. “If you go that way you can be somebody. You will have to make compromises and you will have to turn your back on your friends. But you will be a member of the club and you will get promoted and you will get good assignments.” Then Boyd raised his other hand and pointed in another direction. “Or you can go that way and you can do something- something for your country and for your Air Force and for yourself. If you decide you want to do something, you may not get promoted and you may not get the good assignments and you certainly will not be a favorite of your superiors. But you won’t have to compromise yourself. You will be true to your friends and to yourself. And your work might make a difference. To be somebody or to do something. In life there is often a roll call. That’s when you will have to make a decision. To be or to do? Which way will you go?” Sourced from here!
The whole concept of ‘human being’ vs ‘human doing’ has been trolling in my mind a lot lately. Liz and I have been trying to be present and available to our kids. Sometimes that means the house isn’t as pretty, certain things do and don’t get done and we are well, imperfect. We have good days sprinkled in with the many days that just are. It’s not that we aren’t giving 100 percent, quite the opposite sometimes its because we have nothing left to give. And then, we have the great privilege of lending a helping hand to others. IN the books there is a notion about limiting inputs. I think that is what I have misunderstood. Quite often Fear of missing out (FOMO) is quite the driver in folks making decisions. Liz and I try to be intentional in the choices and the decisions we make. This helps us limit some of the inputs that bring drama and disruptions that we simply can’t afford. This allows us space to be able to offer our hearts, hands, minds, time and efforts to those beyond ourselves. We can’t do it all, but we can do some of the things some of the time. Headspace is interesting. There are a lot of pop culture or du jour type folks trying to implement this strategy of thought and mindfulness but they miss it. i think that is my frustration. Liz asked me how to define stoicism and I can’t shortly and succinctly b/c I disagree with the classic definitions. Although it is a seeking for the highest virtue and morality its the doing and the execution that sets it apart. Perfection isn’t the desired goa, rather iterative growth with focused intention that drives discipline and etches out character is more along the lines of what it is trying to do. i feel it aligns very well with my other domains (faith-based, home and family life, being a good human, career, etc.). I truly struggle with this meme:
I mean, I live my life behind a filter. I truly have to think before I speak. I do really use this concept:
- Does it need to be said?
- Does it need to be said now?
- Does it need to be said by ME?
This allows me a moment to pause, analyze – quickly mind you and often in a flash – then intentionally proceed. It doesn’t mean I get it perfectly right every time, and often a feedback loop is required to help me iterate through what I could not perceive or understand or identify so that I can do better. I am finding I have to often get out of my own way. This is the most difficult part of being a parent – something Liz reminded me quite emphatically with spirited emotion last night. It’s interesting. A few years ago, before bringing Liz and Dennis to France, I was really on a spiraling trajectory. I was becoming a world class and quite the effective “Douchebag”. Heck this was even before I began to alert everyone that I was a cyclist and a triathlete. Don’t you worry, I did that in the short near time. I truly was becoming a class act and a piece of work. I was toxic. I was exactly what the meme is portraying. My douche-baggerie was growing in leaps and bounds.
(Edit) I inadvertently cut out a critical segue here. We had an adventure where we received a mis-sexed chicken. It was a cockerel and Liz was hopeful to keep it.
So we set about speaking to all our neighbors in our near vicinity and given we were 2 streets from Agricultural designated and zoned land, we hoped all would be well. Well it was, until it wasn’t. We did what we could and in the end we resolved things due to another’s issues. The reality was, the folks we checked with were enjoying the morning crows and farm like noises – see many grew up in rural-ish environment and it was surreal for them. We were up front and honest with them, how it happened and what we were trying to do. Apparently we didn’t do enough. It’s not worth re-hashing things here but suffice it to say we became prisoner to another because we cared more about what others thought. It was during these circumstances that I came to re-learn that people may portray one thing and then their actions describe them in a different light. I, myself didn’t want to be like that. I wanted to better myself and be who I said I was. Sure, there will be times when I have to understand that I learned more and need to be better –
Think Maya Angelou —
Unfortunately, we began caring more about the opinions of others more than our reasonable attempts to do the right thing. In the end, it landed us with a deep wedge between those we admired. Good thing we’ve moved on. In the middle of the situation Liz and I began to regain our confidence, moved forward and we try to use experiences like that one to help us make better and more intentional choices. When we know better, we do better. IT’s a simple thing to follow and execute to our best possible option.
Anyway, it was a great day of being. A lot of headspace things here today – Being there. Human being. That is what we are, often we got lost in ‘human doing’, and it’s my family that just wants me being more than doing. And yesterday I was there. I was present and I did the best I could! it was a solid day.
Hopefully tonight I can ride a bit or get to the pool or get another z2 run in. I may even try to get a good night’s rest. Cheers!
