What I have missed, due to injury, recalibrating, recovering

Thoughts trolling my mind

A lesson learned is – something I miss most about not training for a significant long-course triathlon event 70.3 and longer due to injury. I continue to be reminded that training is the space where I often reconcile, recalibrate and acknowledge my internal discussions, demons and more. While not training, It’s been noisier and noisier in my mind, and folks like my family and more importantly my wife has noticed. So I have been recalibrating and recovering in my headspace as well as my lower hip adductor.

This ain’t the way it’s supposed to be, there’s a dark cloud
Following me
I’m disillusioned
And I’m down on the world again
There’s movies going on in my head
And all I can see is the color red
I’m relentless
And I’m down on the world again
Give me tomorrow’s broken dreams now
I’m feeling like a loaded gun

There’s a world of guilt written on my face and I feel ashamed for the human race
I’ve been forsaken
And I’m down on the world again

Well, I feel so alone in this crowd, my thoughts of despair
Are getting loud
I’m disrespected
And I’m down on the world again
Love and tolerance have abandoned me and I feel the gloom hovering over me
I’m resentful
And I’m down on the world again

Give me tomorrow’s broken dreams now
I’m feeling like a loaded gun
Give me tomorrow’s holy schemes now, so hopeless
When there’s no place left to run

Well, I tried to play for the higher stakes
You won’t let me forget my mistakes
I’m unforgiven
And I’m down on the world again
This ain’t the way it’s supposed to be, there’s a dark cloud
Following me
I’m distorted
And I’m down on the world again

It is disappointing to see wisdom that is so easily accessible is also so easily forgotten. Examples include – education, political ideologies, socio-economic improvements in tolerance and promoting human rights and personal autonomy, and origin stories (lessons from historical events) from many hijacked traditions to appease supposed prescriptive univeralistic thoughts since CE 325.

As a family, we chose to flip the shark around Christmas celebrations and traditions as a nuclear family. My children in their various neurodivergent ways struggle with traditional holidays. So, instead of a singular hyper-focused approach we minimized this by introducing more data points. How might you ask? My kiddos enjoyed being exposed to traditions like Samhain, Halloween, Hanukkah, Sinterklaus, Krampus. Solstice, and a few others between Halloween and Christmas. This allowed us to introduce cultural significance that has been transferred or lost through time. It allowed us to have multiple celebration thus reducing the hyperfocus and anxiety built in to focus around a singular traditional holiday. It allowed many opportunities for context, lost tradition and some fun to be explored while learning facts around events now often curated from a narrowed or biased perspective – if even shared at all.

ISn’t it interesting that many aren’t interested in truth seeking or knowledge acquisition? This is especially observable in those that fit power paradigms that seek things like authoritative controls, curated or prescriptive models to subscribe to models restricting or disrupting autonomy. For us as a family, the above approach serves to enhance/enrich my children’s internal drives for their individual and distinct autonomy’s to be satisfied. I observe that those who wield power often curate a story that supports their power, ego, and treasure piles (virtual, physical, immortal, or otherwise). This is why I tend to be kind, seek context, and let the burden of convincing another remain with that other person. I often share context from my experiences and lessons learned by using an amoral sharing discipline. When appropriate, I try to call out examples of serendipity or even heavenly assistance without ruining their individual autonomy and agency. It’s always frustrating how pervasive culture and dogma are and how quickly it seeks to ruin and abolish pursuits of reasonable self-scrutiny. Our approach to sharing the long list of events between Halloween and Christmas served to provide my children with access to events and knowledge, ultimately giving them access to forge their own worldviews.

So my headspace, without triathlon, gets a bit more intimate as I sink deep within me to work on myself and work out, to present my bestest self as I go through this journey of reasonable self-scrutiny

An example – using Matthew 5:3-12 – AKA The Beatitudes

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for My sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you

It is my humble worldview that the types that want to enforce strict prescriptive and/or authoritative driven approaches, as an example, by requiring public spaces to display the 10 commandments miss the point of Christ’s teachings! Especially the recorded observations and more while he lived on the earth. Further, many that claim to identify as “Christians” – of note, I don’t tend to identify with these types, forget about the Moses experience and the Golden Calf story – full context is important. Today things like the USA Flag, political party strict affinities, money and prescriptive adherence to ‘supposedly’ canonized government and religious documents just further enforce the notion that “Religion is the rich man’s tool to keep the poor – poor!” Or the way Napoleon Bonaparte stated it:

A new way to capture thoughts

This last winter a recent snowstorm was blasting us. I went on a few errands because we need our kiddos to have food despite the 8 – 24 inches falling. I started to capture some thoughts and I am transcribing them into more coherent thoughts through writing here. All this while observing the most wonderful driving habits that come out in our town when the snow falls in mass amounts.

Another example – finding creative ways to capture thoughts like these

Recently, we went to support a friend of ours – his father recently passed. One of the nice remarks that I heard, not from our friend but from another local faith-based leader that delivered some remarks at the request of the living family members.

I tend to have a totally different view on death, but the funeral speaker related, how our friend’s late dad, was asked to share a few remarks in a local faith-based congregation. The above quote was one of the wisdoms he shared. It’s a very simple and very poignant hard perspective and perhaps truth for sure. Unfortunately it’s so easy to say. Many of us in the world today live a privileged life. Memento Mori always comes to the top of my mind when I go to funerals.

Death is a transition of energy and hopefully light or an opportunity to let light refill where it may have become dull, waned or at times has become a complete absence.

So this song to me has come to mean, when you meet anyone, it isn’t the past or the future that matters, it’s the realization that now matters most (the present). This is why, as I contemplate the passing of another, I like to believe one day I can transcend all the tomfoolery of the past and the anxieties of the future and just live, NOW!!! Be present and treat the person, in this case a dear one passing, or a new stranger – as I have either never met them or have known them forever. A glimpse into Shane brain!

This song never made it formally to a recorded and released album but its most known for this set (see above) and is often only played live (lots! the story goes it’s actually played at most live shows – I have heard). I do think it’s come to mean something very similar to Dave Grohl as it has to me, in its own specific to them way:

I love the Dave Grohl thought, I can sing a song and when I hear 85,000 fans singing it back with 85,000 different meanings. It’s both beautiful and bizarre. It’s art, just as life becomes death. I was remarking to my wife, “You know when it comes to me and it’s my funeral … ” – I think I probably need to help her understand the things that I would to have at my services:

Songs for my funeral in the far future

In the future when my funeral date does arrive, I imagine it’s going to be kind of like a faith-based service. At least my wish is to have it be more of a celebration of memories and interactions that occured with me or from my influence – Shane. These could be positive, negative or otherwise. I’d prefer it to not be nor become a platform for an immortality project – especially from those currently alive and supposedly reminiscing about me but using it to share their ideals instead of about interpersonal connections to me.

Deeper we go into the Shane brain

So, some topics that currently keep my brain occupied, busy, and perplexed. Various people ask me, because I am and currently and continue to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ Latter-Day Saints. And, yes, I am also a firm believer in the Sir Francis Bacon notion:

It is my observation that many faith-based folks don’t understand my thoughts, observations, viewpoints, context, adaptations nor my ultimate worldview. I sometimes receive questions like “Hey Shane, where’s your faith?” and “Why do you stay?” So, I’ve really been visiting and shaping and calibrating my thought strategy around the notion of – context first! It all started when I came across a podcast with Ryan Holiday and the psycho psychologist – Dr. Boardman.

This specific podcast prompted me to re-exam my journey that I call and refer to as a “journey of reasonable self-scrutiny”. It made me consider and think deeper about my worldview(s). How I capture and synthesize information. Then turn it into actionable things that I would like to do. It was just a good listen. Honestly, I haven’t really looked into her stuff otherwise, but the takeaway for me from this podcast episode was — it is more important to learn how to gather or ask for or provide context and abandon the need to try to convince. What I took this to to mean – why is it that it is my responsibility to convince somebody?

Contextual example – LDS Missionary experience

Let’s take my 2 years faith-based missionary experience for the Church of Jesus Christ the Latter Day Saints. I was 19 to 21 years old during 1994 to 1996. I served in Paris, France. I served/lived in seven different cities overall (Laval, Rennes, Orleans, Caen, Coutances, Mantes la Jolie, and Sarcelles). I worked with 16 different individuals, ‘companions’ is what we called each other. A companion is another missionary of the same biological sex assignment that’s similar in age. We were so clueless! As male missionaries, we are able to go for 2 years once we turn 19. In the last few years they changed the male age to 18. We thought we knew everything! We were embarking on this journey where we were emissaries or representatives of Jesus Christ – as missionaries. So, I initially took the approach – I’m here to provide information or share. But, then there were some that would over celebrate the title emissary and leverage it in a way that I struggled with. It was used to overbearingly justify and some definitely tried to convince the world of an absolute prescriptive truth.

Dr. Boardman’ remarks assert that sharing context allows for the other person to convince themself. Using this approach also respects agency and consent of the other actor(s). As a 19-21 year old this is merely what I was trying to do. I tend to see things through a broader lens (superpower of dyslexia). I observed just how shallow the approach was as a missionary. With maturity and time that allows for more wisdom, I still find it interesting because I observe how many misuse and misunderstand the concept of the Spirit and its role (faith-based approach). Not to go to deep into the faith-based rabbit hole, but the belief and doctrine is that one is enabled to receive a true witness, external from self, from the third member of the godhead. Catholics or other folks might refer to this being or concept as the Holy Spirit within the Trinity. The faith I lean into most believes that the Godhead is three distinct entities/beings and one of them is the the Holy Spirit, having never received a body. It is not a deity. The Spirit is however, a teammate. As such, he is under the guidance of God and Jesus Christ and has a different role to fulfill. So to that end, the doctrine is missionaries SHOULD merely provide the message and if appropriate extend invitations to explore. It was and still is my observation that too many LDS missionaries misunderstand the role assigned to missionaries and the role of the Spirit. Perhaps, mostly because we are/were young and dumb, under experienced, immature or unfamiliar with a better option to interact and share context.

Females also enjoy this opportunity to be missionaries, too. They are referred to as Sisters. These Sisters are also called and are able to go out from the age of 21. Similarly, the age was changed to 19 and they go out for 18 months. It is my observation that the age change overall was good. I also understand that there is a want to have an age difference in the binary sexes. One reasoning is because young men and young women are humans and as such are sexual beings. It can be a hard period of life for younger folks to bridle their passions. I also observed and understand how some struggled and often confused feelings associated with faith-based experiences. These young missionaries are trying to share authentic and often intimate, personally held beliefs (often quite young and new and a bit unfamiliar), so many vulnerable emotions and/or feelings are encountered and shared by these young missionaries with those they are sharing their messages with. These feelings and emotions were sometimes interpreted in ways that are difficult to clarify – love – as an example, may not be romantic in this case, rather just an expression of caring and good will toward another human. But some felt that was their sign of being in love with a potential marriage partner. This further lead to scenarios, at times, where these situations were used in interpersonal relationships to mean more than. what they were. Simply feelings of caring for another and sharing simple, yet intimate faith-based beliefs. This is why context, communication and clarification is so vital, not trying to convince another from one’s biased worldview.

My missionary experience provided me numerous simple examples of how to resolve or navigate what was becoming my journey of reasonable self scrutiny. Before I chose to participate as a missionary, I was riddled in an excursion of self discovery and determining who I was. I was young, and dumb and knew everything – especially many things I didn’t know at all. But I knew! Since then, I’ve internally focused on trying to be more “intentional, mindful, thoughtful” of what it truly means when I interact and share my worldview(s) in religious or spiritual or faith-based or stoic or any other context. I’m really mindful of language and words, almost to the point of like when I’m speaking French! Words have power! They have powerful meaning and I try not to be duplicitous as I speak.

Contextual example – Murder in the Gaza strip – justifying genocide

Another example, I think I find a good way to talk about difficult topics like this is by highlighting the scenario that’s going on in Israel with the Palestinians (Phelestat). For context, there is a long history associated with the conflict. A single data point provides little context yet a lot of unrealistic reasonings and expectations to try and convince another of their perception of events and facts.

This conflict has been ongoing since our earliest of written records to some degree – with various twists and turns. Well before 1947 and October 7, 2023, many have been physically displaced. The displacement stories from each of the various indigenous ethnic groups could make Google and Wikipedia dizzy. Through many Judaic-sourced writings, Hebrew midrash, and Christian biblical references many of these indigenous groups were dispersed. Many know this as 10 lost tribes of Israel from Abrahamic sourced deities, from the seed of Joseph which later became known as Israel. I imagine because it’s biblical or Christian that the words being used are justifications. I find that it’s completely wrong for example – The Ten Commandments or 10 directives, 10 guidelines, what was originally given as the law of Moses and when Jesus came came he said let’s simplify the 10 into two commandments – love your God with all thine heart and strength mind and the second is like unto it Love of Thy Neighbor as thyself. On these two is what hangs all the laws and the prophets. From a simple numbers game, like an old colleague use to say, it was a great plan to adopt followers from the 600 – 700 + laws that spawned from the 10. The 10 Commandments seems to be the only thing that this new group that identifies as Christians highlights and follows. Let’s call them Christ-o-fascist. For the most part, but a lot of “people that are identifying as Christian” — let’s not talk necessarily about identity and identifying as either a sexual or a gender preference — because it blows their minds (transference isn’t an apt skill for most). But, these people that identify as Christian are very very far from what I’m about to say. My words here are not to try to convince those people but to provide my context. For any who happens upon this can go choose to do whatever they they’re going to do.

For example, Israel persists in their complaints over hostages since October 7th. This singular event among many questionable events has given Benjamin Netanyahu the supposed righteous justification to annihilate and murder and destroy those in the Gaza Strip. This retribution of over 40K murdered (and grows) makes it so that the Palestinians only have one option (death). There’s approx. 2 million people there and since 1947 – they have been living under an imperialistic apartheid state meaning they are not free to move. For context, it’s as bad as Eastern Germany was with the fenced wall. The occupants are subject to many controls. Many things are required to be able to move around within and outside the walls of the Gaza Strip. It is not free movement for these humans. So, for context the East German wall helps demonstrate the reality of the occupants of the Gaza Strip, as they are also hostages in this state since the 1940s. Israel claiming that they are not going to respect the most recent charges coming from International Court of Justice (ICJ) and the country of South Africa – who most recently lived in an apartheid state – established a beautiful Preamble in Constitution. This document closely strives to align with American democratic ideals – which where the hell are we? All of that to illustrate although, I am more agnostic in political doctrine – nearing Anarchy – I have my opinions/perceptions – but I’m not going to waste my time trying to convince people. I will provide context, that these folks for example have been doing this for years. A previous post of mine here for some rabbit holes – if needed.

Yes! Many of these folks were dispersed and moved out. I once worked at a university where the university promoted sending individuals (males mind you) over to Jerusalem and environs to reconnect with their racial/religious heritage. These students would visit where they came from. Many of them would go over there and pretty much say – I choose and want this place to live. If Palestinians were the ones occupying the home this person chose , this person would be licensed to basically remove the Palestinian or Lebanese family. Then move in. So, how would anyone feel if we as Americans If the British came back! Or, how would we expect Europe to feel if we returned to our various origin nations from six to eight generations ago and say we’re back! We’re moving in? Maybe these are the words that need to be used?

Other random Shane brain topics

So, with some subjects, especially faith-based subjects the two main things that I tend to explore most often are the Articles of Faith found in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

The Fourth Article of Faith.

We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.

Then the Ninth Article of Faith –

We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.

Sure, this faith dynamic believes in previous revelations, both canonized and even those found in journals and stories of general faith following humans of all kinds from previous times. I believe the heavens are in fact still open for humans and even that there are current prophets – which as they are merely mortals and humans – we should not deify these folks! This is a problem of the culture of too many faith-types. I observe that many people are finding a belief in a prophet to be offensive. Ironically following an ideological head tho (geo-political or socio-economic) is just dandy-fine! THis can be a great difficulty, and so far for me, it’s not a cross that I’ve had to bare. The conflict and paradoxes are getting closer and closer to me and my circles of influence, and I will choose my family first! I will choose my wife first – much like Joseph Smith said about his wife Emma “I will follow her to the depths of Hell” ! Well, Liz my wife gets that from me!

My recent reading and or listenings

https://a.co/d/0iStRIob

https://a.co/d/0czW6pDW

In the two books, I was always off put by the language of the titles. Now having completed the first and reading or listening to the second, it’s too bad I waited so long. I share a snippet from book two:

Persistent low-level narcissism is natural, but it’s also likely at the root of many of our sociopolitical problems. This is not a right-wing or a left-wing problem. This is not an older generation or younger generation problem. This is not an Eastern or Western problem.

This is a human problem.

Every institution will decay and corrupt itself. Each person, given more power and fewer restraints, will predictably bend that power to suit himself. Every individual will blind herself to her own flaws while seeking out the glaring flaws of others.

Welcome to Earth. Enjoy your stay.

While I have taken a break from triathlon, due to a lower hip adductor tear, my mind and internal journey of reasonable self scrutiny has been front and center. It has been a bit on overdrive and I have been having to keep it in a healthy space. I have been on a few forgotten or ignored paths, some coming to abrupt dead ends or some aligned with cliffs – much like the ones on Crimson Trail or at the Cape of Good Hope – the edge of the world! I am confronting the human problem internal to me. I am reasonably scrutinizing myself and doing what these books assert – we have two brains, a thinking brain and feeling brain, that often don’t communicate well, but learning to get them to cooperate is important for psychological healing. In his first book SAONGAF – MM shares his experience of revisiting a pivotal moment surrounding a cliff. Earlier in life he lost a friend in a tragic accident involving a cliff overlooking a lake or pond and the drowning of a close to him friend. Years later he found himself at the Cape of Hope – sitting on the edge. As he retreated and left, an Aussie dude came up to him and –

As I step back over some rocks, back to the main path, I look up to see a man staring at me. I stop and make eye contact with him.

“Um. I saw you sitting on the edge over there,” he says. His accent is Australian. The word “there” rolls out of his mouth awkwardly. He points toward Antarctica.

“Yeah. The view is gorgeous, isn’t it?” I am smiling. He is not. He has a serious look on his face.

I brush my hands off on my shorts, my body still buzzing from my surrender. There’s an awkward silence.

The Aussie stands for a moment, perplexed, still looking at me, clearly thinking of what to say next. After a moment, he carefully pieces the words together.

“Is everything okay? How are you feeling?”

I pause for a moment, still smiling. “Alive. Very alive.”

His skepticism breaks and reveals a smile in its place. He gives a slight nod and heads down the trail. I stand above, taking in the view, waiting for my friends to arrive on the peak.

It’s been a minute, but I used to sit on the cliffs on the Crimson Trail. I have fond memories of going thru similar steps to insure safety as MM describes his story of being aware and alive. I recall being shepherded up to those cliffs the first time by a local runner/friend/mentor and over time bringing my own friend(s) and even my oldest son up there. With my son, we encountered the downslope in the dark which I loved, my son did not. I wanted him to see my crazy, but also re-inforce I would not lead him into dark places unless it was decently calculated. He still vehemently disagrees that I wasn’t just crazy and getting at him – well son, that’s only partly true. Just as a single point in a circle share 359 degrees – I am becoming more convinced that perspective and wisdom is more like an infinity loop not a mere circle – that’s another rabbit hole with at least 1080 degrees.

I like to substitute ‘science’ with ‘choice’ here. To equate an execution preference with any socio-economic standard or with free will or the agency to choose, nah – that’s still just execution preference. Unfettered capitalism is a power paradigm, and no system is unflawed, but curated messaging has groomed us to believe differently. Just like the cardinal virtues of courage, tolerance, justice and wisdom – humans following faith-based models require a third party to keep those cardinal virtues aligned, and so does any economic system – without the 3rd party – ego, power, lucre, not the elements found in the beatitudes reigns supreme.

In summary