Sometimes, like today it’s good to glimpse back. Rear view mirror moments I call them. This one, 2017 IM St George 70.3 finish. SO, about 90 mins before this capture I almost walked off the course. I faced a lot for me that day, from not eating on the bike navigating 30 mph wind gusts, but having a personal fastest swim and bike on course. No nutrition and I blew up. It was a total Bonk. So many lessons learned that day. Two friends at various times were catalysts to pick me ups that helped carry me to this 7-ish hour finish, not my best and well b4 course cut offs.
When the lights get to just about off or if the light goes completely dark, I have learned to take à few steps into the dark. Lean into the Obstacle (wasn’t what I’d call it that day but it’s what I did) and most often à light in the distance becomes recognizable. I have an affinity for the Nubble lighthouse in Maine and have had the privilege to spend 4 trips there while on business trips.
I have often found myself in situations where an absence of light was reality, sometime by choice and others by circumstances I couldn’t or didn’t control. But, I have learned if I can control myself, dig deep into my patience well, à light often circles around like a lighthouse. Sometimes, I must shed my insecure and flawed and often biased perceptions. I have to surrender self and lean into my coping wells or external motivators until my feet find the next sure path and I re-establish confidence and not fall prey to the ‘I’m a victim’ Paradox. Sure à few times I have failed and fallen deeper into the dark spaces, and like this day I almost walked off course. But I didn’t!
I share this to remind myself and others how the simple attached quote carries me often and it’s the first time I have seen it so succinctly delivered by MA. Hope folks have a beautiful and joy filled day.
Yes, it is true. The annual bout of Shane vs the Man-Flu has appeared. This rendition is co-starring the Covid cousin. It has cranked into me and rendered me cranky, snarky, and breathless. My energy and filters seem highly disturbed. The upper respiratory distress has provided me witht he great gift of coughing and having my wife Liz also flirting with this sickness has caused us a lot of entertainment. Nothing like a formalized 4 day weekend, which we didn’t plan for, to be further disrupted by an illness that neither she or I can get beyond quickly. So, all training is on hold. I guess the most frustrating thing for me is I don’t feel like I am in control of what I normally am able to control. That is my filter. Sure, I am re-immersing myself into the natures of stoicism. It’s where I am most myself I feel. But I normally tune things out in a way that when I interact with others, I have a filter that I try to present my best self. Well when sick and my ‘stress’ meter is beyond tapped, I feel like that doesn’t have the value add it normally does. I know I come off curt and snarky. Those are not attributes I like about me, when I allow myself to act that way, So I am always trying to curb and monitor and ultimately control that from me.
Liz and I showed this clip to our eldest son Dennis last night. It was interesting to watch his mind go through this. To try and resolve that there is a difference from the concept of happiness (Outcome and measurable outcome based) and Joy – constant that appears as a feeling beyond the ‘thing’. HIs teenage mind was both exploding and imploding all in one. He’s a great kid, and he is hard in his adolescence. He is a genius without the wisdom of experience and that is hard for him to work through, and as parents it keeps us on our toes for sure. I really want to crack the minds of some folks. I hope its not like Donnie Darko, where the character of Patrick Swayze (See clip here:)
The quote from Donnie is awesome when he states ‘I think you are the @#$%^&* antichrist’.’ I’ll let you seek out the mind bending movie to find out if Donnie was correct or not. I often tell folks and did on a business call today – Unrealistic expectations are just future resentments’ – that one gets lots of mileage and I first heard it from Coach Robbie Bruce at Crushing Iron — Great podcast by the way – https://crushingiron.com/podcasts/ . I often use that to keep my perceptions and hope properly scaled. I used to refer to it as skeptical or cautious optimism. Really it is stoicism. That’s just what it is. Often times I was labelled as a pessimist, but because I can render decisions not based on spurious emotion – I was often given that label by others. It has taken me a long time to realize that this was not something for me to internalize rather I needed to treat it like this:
It has taken me a long time to trust in my own confidence. Not so much to exude it in a way that i come off ‘prick-ish’ or as a douchebag, rather to trust in my learned experience and wisdom. I know this is what my son Dennis is merely trying to do. It is something hard for any adult parent or in any other life circumstance you find yourself, to patiently not want to destroy your child in the crucibles of parent and child dynamics. I am blessed and I am grateful for my son, I just hope our gratitude for each other doesn’t destroy either of us along the way. See what i did there.
So, I think I am going to try and get back on my bike tonight. If even only for a 10 minute test of where i am at. I tend to employ the 10 minute rule. Normally in that time period, I can gauge the difference between the realities of my body and mind and what is truly going on there. Sometimes I am just being lazy and other times I need to be patient and extend myself grace. That being said, I am trying to identify and rediscover the patterns of monotonous discipline and consistency to set my self to be ready for October 24. I will say tho, my last few swims have been solid. The few rides I am getting in are proving to be moving in the right direction. I do need to consider and pursue a true and a good bike fitting. I need to find a good triathlon option in SLC or a bit more north as I don’t see anything decent in Cache Valley. If all goes well with my ride tonight, I think I can get back in the water tomorrow. This illness really punched me in the gut and i would like to get back to our new normal.
Came across this interesting article on Henry Rollins at salon.
https://www.salon.com/2020/06/05/henry-rollins-dreamland-interview-pandemic-trump/
