Thoughts from a parent of neuro diverse kiddos

January 26, 2023

Parenting neuro-diverse kiddos and I am more typical than divergent myself

Recently, I feel the weight of the world. As a parent of 4 brilliant neuro-diverse kiddos, every day I find how little I truly know about this thing called life. In my own stubborn, and strongly stoic nature, I wanderlust through life’s sojourn. I find myself a practicing advocate of the philosophy of stoicism, this also includes my other worldviews that include:

Faith-based findings
Wisdom and lessons learned from the school of hard knocks
Context of observation and practice
A loving spouse (most days)
and many other things that shape my ever evolving worldview and perceptions

As a parent, without a guidebook of instructions mind you, I find the most difficult skill is persistently developing and teaching coping skills to my offspring. Then as a primary care provider or parent, to recognize thresholds – so that I can engage with my children before they or I turn into the proverbial Mr. Hyde. At the end of the day, I am constantly recalibrating my desires for guiding/helping/parenting my neuro diverse kiddos to intersect more fluidly with joy vs the world’s interpretation and projections of standards on my children.

Some Context

Like many other parents, I observe that ‘ease’ has often become a pervasive challenge. I will try to illustrate my thinking – Devices and electronics that provide access for children or adults to screen time. It is easier to allow my kids to engage with a device because I have other adult priorities (or preferences) that I may or may not be able to control. So, inevitably, my children have fostered this as a primary coping skill. Further, it becomes their ‘preferred skill’ or often perceived ONLY skill. As, a reasonable adult, I’d be pissed and frustrated if someone wanted to influence or control my preference – even with all the contextualized opportunities of life and learning skills to be patient and adapt. It stands to reason that when the world tries to enforce compliance – norms, standards, authoritarianism, etc., that it tends to lead to a break down on their part because they are disregulated, don’t have the practice to redirect or have other fostered skills. This is a gap of theirs, and one I need to recognize as well. Punishment or frustration seems counter-intuitive when I break the scenario down like this.

I’m sure as I am formulating and developing this rationale, it will be perceived as an unpopular opinion and observation. So be it. I subscribe to the following Maya Angelou notion:

When my kiddo doesn’t like their primary coping skill or autonomy disrupted, I find myself failing here most often as a parent. I can fall prey to being reactionary and wanting my desires, wants, authoritarianism to be the primary driver. I might ignore being empathetic despite whatever other pressures are cast upon me. Although my most important thing is my offsprings well-being and opportunity to develop their resilience well – in the heat of the moment, all that can disappear in a flash if I welcome my Mr. Jeckyl and Hyde to the scenario.. It takes courage of value, often forged through empathy. It demands my patience and willingness to be present and aware enough to tune out all other noise and focus in on my child’s immediate need. It takes time to enhance, recalibrate, reshape coping skills unless crisis and/or survival demands otherwise.

I find myself here lots beating myself up as a parent. Would I rather foster and cultivate coping skills, or be an asshole authoritarian demanding my child to be my equal? This is an unreasonable gap if I were to use common sense – what’s that? I don’t have the answer, but I do know I want to encourage and cultivate a resilient child. When episodes happen, I find myself seeking to recalibrate and identify usable tools. In my own self-awareness journey, I keep finding I don’t know what I don’t know. I don’t know how to ask for help. I find that I am so often in discomfort, because I take it on myself, that when my threshold is too difficult to bear, I am at 120 % of what others deem normal. Others may have been signaling and asking for help at like 50% – 80% difficult to bear when I am like 95% difficult is my normal. Because of that personal threshold, I’m often apathetic to anything less because I normally have to do it alone, or if I have asked for help – either none exists or no help came forward. So why ask?

I am not trying to complain, or even really cry for help. I am trying to be address meltdowns from my kiddos. I am trying to provide better and more empathetic and understanding supports. I am trying to support them in their personal development and growth. I find I am recalibrating and reshaping so much sometimes – that i don’t realize it may be me more than them that needs the skills to help. Of note, my wife is pretty good at helping me, but I sense she is in this place often in her own way sometimes with and sometimes alone with out me. As a birth mother, I am sure, her weights and challenges and burdens are different and unique compared to what I shoulder.