PAUSE – be still – but first – let it all go!
Often in my head as I see things play out real time
f!@#$ it! f!@#$ it! f!@#$ it!
It’s not too early. It’s already too much—every single “ONE” is “ONE” too many. All of it.
WE ARE
We carry this weight and can’t seem to let it go – some painful example include but are not limited to:
Since the Columbine High School massacre on April 20, 1999, hundreds of school shootings have occurred in the United States, including some of the deadliest in the nation’s history. Different research groups define “mass shootings” differently, so the counts can vary, but certain events stand out due to their high casualties and public impact. This timeline includes major school shootings since Columbine that involved significant loss of life.
- 2000s
- Red Lake Senior High School shooting (March 21, 2005): In Red Lake, Minnesota, a 16-year-old student killed his grandfather and his grandfather’s girlfriend before driving to his high school. There, he killed five students, a teacher, and a security guard, and injured nine others before killing himself.
- West Nickel Mines School shooting (October 2, 2006): A 32-year-old man took ten Amish schoolgirls hostage in their one-room schoolhouse in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. He shot all ten, killing five, before committing suicide.
- Virginia Tech shooting (April 16, 2007): A 23-year-old student at Virginia Tech in Blacksburg, Virginia, killed two people in a campus dorm and, two hours later, murdered 30 more and injured 17 in an engineering building. The shooter then killed himself. It was the deadliest mass shooting on a college campus in U.S. history.
- Northern Illinois University shooting (February 14, 2008): A 27-year-old former student opened fire in a lecture hall on the DeKalb campus, killing five students and injuring 21 before committing suicide.
- 2010s
- Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting (December 14, 2012): In Newtown, Connecticut, a 20-year-old man killed his mother before driving to Sandy Hook Elementary School. He shot his way into the school, murdering 20 first-grade children and six educators. He then took his own life.
- Umpqua Community College shooting (October 1, 2015): In Roseburg, Oregon, a 26-year-old student shot and killed eight students and a teacher and injured eight others before committing suicide.
- Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooting (February 14, 2018): A 19-year-old former student killed 17 people and injured 17 others at the school in Parkland, Florida. He later pleaded guilty to murder and attempted murder.
- Santa Fe High School shooting (May 18, 2018): A 17-year-old student killed eight students and two teachers and injured 13 others at the school in Santa Fe, Texas. The suspect was taken into custody.
- STEM School Highlands Ranch shooting (May 7, 2019): In Highlands Ranch, Colorado, a student was killed after confronting two gunmen who opened fire at the school. Eight other students were wounded.
- 2020s
- Oxford High School shooting (November 30, 2021): A 15-year-old student opened fire at the high school in Oxford, Michigan, killing four students and wounding seven others, including a teacher.
- Robb Elementary School shooting (May 24, 2022): In Uvalde, Texas, an 18-year-old gunman shot and wounded his grandmother before going to Robb Elementary School, where he murdered 19 children and two teachers. He was killed by law enforcement.
- The Covenant School shooting (March 27, 2023): A 28-year-old former student entered the elementary school in Nashville, Tennessee, and killed three students and three staff members before being killed by police.
- Apalachee High School shooting (September 4, 2024): A 14-year-old student opened fire at the high school in Winder, Georgia, killing two teachers and two students and injuring seven others before being taken into custody.
- Utah Valley University – Charlie Kirk – Influencer and political activist – not in an elected position
- A laundry list of notable political assassinations
- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_assassinated_American_politicians. — (looks like CK has not been added to this list yet)
WE ARE NOT
We are not the silent monks consumed by flame— burning in disbelief, without a cry.
We are not free from the systems that outsource our lives, that prey on us, strip away our autonomy, and steal our agency.
Though some surrender the wheel to Jesus, we are not living as Christians in action.
We are not yet awakened.
And I, like so many others, was not the one who pulled the trigger.
- Ren, the raw and fearless British artist. He shakes the foundations with truth that even Eminem and his peers hesitate to face. His genius is uncomfortable—because it’s honest, authentic and real!
These are my emerging unfiltered thoughts. I am acknowledging these, and will distill them to those that can and are due these sometimes difficult practices, craft and exercise and engagements of my self intellectually and actions others may see:
- Premeditatio malorum
- Acta non verba
- Scarcity loop disruptions
We are ill, and to many outside the USA – the TV – in real time:
I’ve been sitting with something heavy lately, and I need to get it off my chest. We’ve become so intellectually advanced as a species that it feels like apathy and inaction are the only things keeping the current power structures intact. It’s like abundance is being deliberately disrupted, pushing us toward scarcity—and I’m not okay with that. It reminds me of that moment in Braveheart, when Wallace realizes Bruce’s motives were hijacked by the system. That look between them? That’s exactly how I feel—betrayed, stunned, and furious. Total Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.
A colleague in the Yucatán asked me something gut-wrenching: how is it that 9- and 10-year-olds are already grappling with questions of being alive or not? That’s why I write, why I blog. But even with that outlet, I’m unsure where to direct my actions. I was raised with a value system that wasn’t perfect, but it had integrity. Now I see peers and predecessors so numb, so apathetic, that I honestly don’t know how they’re interpreting the world around them. The illusion of abundance is cracking, and most people aren’t prepared for what’s coming.
I’m not naïve—I know history repeats, and I see the resurgence of ideologies we thought were long gone. But maybe I am naïve, because this hurts more than I expected. I feel betrayed by the numbness, by the acceptance of pain just because it’s familiar. I can handle uncertainty. What I can’t handle is watching people choose suffering over change.
As a parent and caregiver, I’m being pulled—no, compelled—toward a different model. One that’s sustainable, workable, and rooted in something deeper than survival. Not just for me, but for my kids, my spouse, and the future we still have a chance to shape.
A post that i wrote in 2024 – last august https://happyinthehills.com/zentriathlete/2024/08/03/zentriathlete-blog/personal/disambiguation-and-noise-everywhere/
An interesting blog post shared with me around antisemitism and recent assassination:
https://blogs.timesofisrael.com/kirks-murder-cant-erase-his-antisemitism/
Some final ramblings from the asylums between my ears
It’s all so disorienting. We need to stop, breathe, and rise above the noise. The machinery—this system—thrives on division, keeping everyday people locked in combat, red versus blue, while the real damage goes unchecked.
But the deeper truth? We’re unwell. Spiritually, emotionally—drowning in distraction and disconnection. Will we ever pause long enough to feel, to listen, to remember what truly matters?
I recently attended an Offspring concert where they played the song—Gone Away— This particular version still haunts me. I’m stuck in that moment. It could’ve been us in that field. It’s not just about one life lost—it’s about every innocent soul swallowed by senseless violence.
And broadly, we’ve handed over our agency to systems that barely reflect who we are. We’ve outsourced our autonomy to institutions that see fragments, not the full picture.
We are ill, and we need respite, inoculation, care and recovery!
More and more, I’m discovering that the deeper I commit to honest, grounded self-reflection, the more naturally I lead with empathy, act with courage, and focus on generating momentum—not just managing tasks. My lived experience continues to affirm that true leadership begins within. When I prioritize the internal work, I become better equipped to help others believe in themselves and reach beyond what they thought possible.
This shift in mindset has shaped a leadership style anchored in presence and purpose. Rumi’s words echo through my approach: “Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” That quote remains a compass for how I show up—for my team, my family, and my community.
But internal alignment doesn’t happen in isolation. I’m increasingly aware of how our broader systems are engineered to fracture abundance and perpetuate scarcity. Disruption today often masquerades as innovation, yet it thrives on apathy and inertia. It’s a model designed to preserve control—and it’s succeeding. I see it in the disengagement of peers, the quiet resignation of those who came before, and the heartbreaking questions from children already grappling with existential despair.
Nguyen’s insight about outsourcing our value systems hits home. I witness it constantly—especially in moments like the one captured in that image—where the hunger for external validation drowns out the quiet clarity within. That betrayal? It feels like the scene in Braveheart when Wallace realizes Bruce’s motives were hijacked by the system. That stunned silence, that fury—that’s exactly how it lands.
I’m not naïve. I know history repeats. But I wasn’t prepared for the ache of watching people choose suffering over change. I can navigate uncertainty. What’s harder is witnessing the normalization of pain—the quiet surrender to broken systems simply because they’re familiar.
As a parent and caregiver, I feel a deep pull—no, a mandate—toward a different model. One that’s sustainable, humane, and rooted in something far deeper than survival. Not just for me, but for my children, my partner, and the future we still have the power to shape.
When we lead from a place of internal alignment, we invite others to do the same. That’s where real transformation begins.
